By Alexis Shepard In the customary email blast to the Fairfield students, President Mark Nemec wished a Happy Thanksgiving and a happy break to one and all. But the extra almost postscript message that concluded the email was most unexpected to the journalists out there. He declared that November would unofficially be known as “Shitty … Continue reading Fairfield University President Declares November “Shitty Beard Month”
Month: November 2019
English Class Derailed When Students Can’t Spell “Debauchery”
By Nathan Schmidt This week, an upper-level English class descended into chaos after the professor discovered that none of her students could spell the word “debauchery.” The incident arose after a group activity involving writing on the whiteboard, where freshman Joel Hanesby wrote the word “dabosherie” in a description of the Greek god Dionysus. The … Continue reading English Class Derailed When Students Can’t Spell “Debauchery”
Perpetrator of Recent Art Museum Break-Ins Found to Be Nicolas Cage
By Mike Wishart The Department of Public Safety and local law enforcement agencies have found the culprit of a string of recent break-ins to the Fairfield University Art Museum, and it is exactly who you would think it is. Shortly after midnight on Monday morning, DPS officers were staking out around Bellarmine Hall in an … Continue reading Perpetrator of Recent Art Museum Break-Ins Found to Be Nicolas Cage
Inkwell Open Mic at Levee Derailed by Prep Student Attack
By Nathan Schmidt Last Friday, Fairfield’s creative writing magazine The Inkwell attempted to hold an open mic night at the Levee, only for it to be derailed by a swarm of Fairfield Prep students. The much-hyped event was expected to bring together students from The Inkwell and Performing for Change in a showcase of Fairfield’s … Continue reading Inkwell Open Mic at Levee Derailed by Prep Student Attack
Tully Staff Gives Up, Puts KFC Buckets by Ice Cream
By Nathan Schmidt Students were delighted, faculty were disappointed, and Sodexo was alarmed this week as Tully staff started putting empty KFC buckets at the ice cream station. Staff members were quoted saying things like, “Eat it! It’s what you want, you greasy little privileged pigs!” and, “I bet you’re going to just stick your … Continue reading Tully Staff Gives Up, Puts KFC Buckets by Ice Cream
University to Begin Selling Fragrance to Students to Mask the Smell of Fear
By Mike Wishart The university that just can’t seem to stop trying to take your money is back with a new product. Starting next month, the Fairfield University bookstore will begin selling a fragrance designed to mask the smell of fear. The buzz surrounding the release of the new product indicates that this could be … Continue reading University to Begin Selling Fragrance to Students to Mask the Smell of Fear
Professors Cancel Class Until Students Stop Coughing
By Rosemary Harper Good news for Fairfield students this week: Nearly all undergraduate professors have decided to cancel classes, as they are fed up with students coughing during their lectures. As we are in the midst of cold and flu season, several students have contracted one or more diseases, many of which include the uncontrollable … Continue reading Professors Cancel Class Until Students Stop Coughing
English Professor Conflicted Over Graffiti That Follows MLA Format
By Mike Wishart The Department of Public Safety is searching for clues as to who is responsible for the vandalism of an English professor’s car in the parking lot behind Donnarumma Hall. But while DPS continues its manhunt for the perpetrator, the victim of the crime is not so sure that the vandal deserves any … Continue reading English Professor Conflicted Over Graffiti That Follows MLA Format
Finance Clubs Blow COSO Funding on Cocaine
By Alexis Shepard It was a tough outing at the latest COSO Academy meeting. The budgets had been released and everyone was together to voice their frustration at the collective lack of money given out to clubs. Insults and threats were hurled and the worried staff of COSO tried to explain that FUSA had barely … Continue reading Finance Clubs Blow COSO Funding on Cocaine
Mysterious Bandit Leaves Tully Plate in Trash
By Nathan Schmidt The hunt is on, as Fairfield University reels from an unknown mystery bandit who left a Tully plate in the trash. The plate was found in a meeting room within the Egan School of Nursing and Health Studies, still bearing the label of the Tully Dining Hall on its face. At this … Continue reading Mysterious Bandit Leaves Tully Plate in Trash
Stagnation 