Students Notice Drop in Quality of “Chicken Tenders” in Tully, DPS Notice Reports of Missing Turkeys

by Richard “Richie” Swett Gamey taste and blandness has been reported in Chicken tenders in the campus cafeteria! Fairfield University’s beloved campus turkeys have had a drop in sightings recently. DPS has told Stagnation reporters that they had taken note of this and started regular patrols targeting turkey theft. Fairfield U’s Tully cafeteria patrons have … Continue reading Students Notice Drop in Quality of “Chicken Tenders” in Tully, DPS Notice Reports of Missing Turkeys

FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore

by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium  BARONE - Numerous student organizations are furious following the leaks on The Mirror by an anonymous source. The most eye-catching detail? A group-photo of the FUSA Senate having lunch with Former Vice President Al Gore with traces of cocaine on their nostrils. “It’s outrageous,” Fabian Glutte ‘23, President of the Satirical … Continue reading FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore

Confused Turkeys Quarantine Themselves In Library

By Nathan Schmidt The nightmare scenario has begun. In the wake of widespread quarantine and safety measures to protect against COVID-19, some of the turkeys on campus have taken it upon themselves to shelter in place until the crisis is over. Unfortunately, the building they have chosen for their quarantine is the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, which … Continue reading Confused Turkeys Quarantine Themselves In Library

March of the Penguins Vs. The Army of Turkeys; Morgan Freeman Killed in Crossfire

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium DONNARUMMA - Outside in the circle, the six-hour war amongst penguin and turkeykind was negotiated after the fall of Morgan Freeman, the god of penguinkind. As both parties parted ways, they made sure to harass anyone left on campus. At approximately 9:30 am, a waddle of penguins arrived on campus with … Continue reading March of the Penguins Vs. The Army of Turkeys; Morgan Freeman Killed in Crossfire

With Students Gone, Nature Already Returning to the Quad

By Nathan Schmidt Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the last two weeks of classes this semester are being held entirely online. This choice has led to an early emptying-out of campus, and the few students left are describing the local environment as a “safari.” Their words are not an exaggeration. As has been seen in … Continue reading With Students Gone, Nature Already Returning to the Quad

Fairfield Students Form New ‘TSA’ Club: Turkey-Student Alliance

April Griffin A new club has made its way to Fairfield's vast array of extracurriculars: the Turkey-Student Alliance club. Founder Jimmy Gallagher says he created the club to make the turkeys feel welcomed on Fairfield's campus. "In my three years at Fairfield so far, I have not once seen anyone be nice to the turkeys," … Continue reading Fairfield Students Form New ‘TSA’ Club: Turkey-Student Alliance

Scandal Erupts When Campus Turkeys Refuse to Wear Masks

By Nathan Schmidt This semester, turkeys have bucked the trend once again. As part of the precautions against COVID-19, all students, faculty and staff on campus have been required to forevermore wear at least one mask over their face. But while the humans of Fairfield may be consigned to hide their faces under the new … Continue reading Scandal Erupts When Campus Turkeys Refuse to Wear Masks

Study Reveals Turkey’s Beards are Reason for Their Brazen Nature

By Rosemary Harper Turkeys are a common sight around the Fairfield U campus. They are fearless and they don’t give a shit. You have probably wondered where this brazen nature of theirs comes from, as we at Stagnation have asked time and time again. Well folks, strap in and hold on to your hats because … Continue reading Study Reveals Turkey’s Beards are Reason for Their Brazen Nature

Fairfield Prep Student Discovers Terrifying Secret at Turkey Burial Ground

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium THE LEVEE - Fairfield Prep student Josiah “Joey” Joseph made a startling discovery upon walking around the back of the Levy. An undead turkey had been limping around searching for any worms, only finding maggots that had dropped off its own body. “I was only looking for the bathroom,” said Joseph, … Continue reading Fairfield Prep Student Discovers Terrifying Secret at Turkey Burial Ground

Weekly COVID-19 Tests Stolen by Turkeys; Results Gobbled

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Dr. Morris Reau stood by a battered door with marks indicating some sort of avian talons. His face was a screaming image of stress, tiredness, and some feeling of vengeance.“Goddamn turkeys,” said Reau as the custodians began to clean the broken bits of glass and brick off the ground. Reau … Continue reading Weekly COVID-19 Tests Stolen by Turkeys; Results Gobbled