By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
THE LEVEE – Fairfield Prep student Josiah “Joey” Joseph made a startling discovery upon walking around the back of the Levy. An undead turkey had been limping around searching for any worms, only finding maggots that had dropped off its own body.
“I was only looking for the bathroom,” said Joseph, “I wasn’t trying to vape or anything when the fire alarm went off.”
Upon further inspection by DPS and the Chapel staff, a plot of land found near the back entrance to the university was discovered to have several turkeys buried. Through later investigation did the staff find out the source. Apparently, the last Thanksgiving dinners hosted in the Tully had been conducted through ancient rituals involving dark magic.
“I know it looks bad and all,” said Tully staff member Bill Lakill, “but do you really think we were gonna use the meat they give us? We did everyone a favor.”
DPS has assured students and nearby residents that the turkeys will not attack anyone so long as they carry worms on their persons. Animal rights groups are preventing any paranormal groups or exorcists from disposing of the turkeys, claiming that they have a right to live. Although this claim is still under debate, the university is doing its best to keep both sides at least calm.
However, sources noted that the stability of this situation may change rapidly by Thanksgiving, when it is time to actually eat the food.