by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
BARONE – After the latest COSO Academy, it was declared that Stagnation would be indefinitely suspended until Fairfield University shuts down.
“Look, I’ll be real with you,” President Tammi Borami ‘24 of the Old Yellers Club, “When we saw those bigwigs on those ‘Stagnation’ guys, I knew that they really screwed the pooch.”
COSO’s reasonings for suspending the group were stated but not limited to defamation, anti-Jesuit propaganda, fake news, rigging the elections, and sending Lucas the Stag hate mail. While Stagnation has admitted to sending Fairfield University’s beloved mascot letters of unadulterated hostility, this was all, of course, an elaborate prank for the Mirror.
“Obviously, it’s the Inkwell that’s doing this,” Stagnation writer Kate Bonsley ‘23 reported, “They’re just jealous ‘cause we took all the talent!”
Currently, investigations are underway regarding such accusations, but other COSO members are denying this claim fervently as if there was a cover-up of some sort.
This is Frederick Mercurium and I swear we weren’t in on the Finland conspiracy.