Fairfield University Sued By Paul McCartney; Student Band Plagiarizing Entire Beatles Albums

By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium 

GREENS – The Fairfield student-led band “The Staggles” are under a class-action lawsuit from the McCartney estate after numerous onlookers realized their performance was ripped from the “Abbey Road” album.

“They just called it ‘She Came In Through The Regis Window’, can you believe it?” Fairfield resident Paul Blarsky stated, “Absolutely mad of them to try.

The Staggles’ entire discography has been investigated to find that all of their hit singles such as “Lucas In The Stands With Dining Dollars” and “Stag and Shout” were entirely plagiarized from the beloved pop band.

“Look, I’ll be real with all of you,” Jack Paulson ‘23 admitted, “We only know how to play Hot Cross Buns on a piano and a recorder. Obviously we were gonna steal some songs. That’s kinda what America does, amirite? Uptop!”

Fairfield University has since rescinded all toes to the Staggles in the near future, but perhaps the band may be able to become living legends to outlive all legends?

Probably not, though. 

This has been Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium, and I’ll have the courtesy to admit I’ve been plagiarizing Pink Floyd songs since freshman year

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