Coronacation: Fairfield Opens Zoom Meeting for All Students, Plays Tully Music

By Nathan Schmidt This week, Fairfield officials announced the creation of a new Zoom meeting entitled “Tully VR,” where students can mingle and dine together just like they would on campus. The Zoom meeting is set to run 24/7 indefinitely, and students may spend as long as they want logged in, provided that they are … Continue reading Coronacation: Fairfield Opens Zoom Meeting for All Students, Plays Tully Music

Fairfield University Attempts Anime Brand; Accidentally Creates Hentai

By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium A decision by the FUSA Senate called for Fairfield University to better brand itself as an inclusive university by appealing to the Anime Club. Putting an art group to the task, they were instructed to making anime pieces centered on-campus life. Unfortunately, some students in the group decided to take extra … Continue reading Fairfield University Attempts Anime Brand; Accidentally Creates Hentai

Coronacation: Quack Doctor Mistakes Vaccine for COVID-19 as Margarita Mix

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium As medical officials worked tirelessly, they were able to finally manufacture what everyone was waiting for: a vaccine for COVID-19. All were rejoicing at the fact that their progress of 4 months had finally paid off. As later reported, the officials held a small celebration for their achievement, only to discover … Continue reading Coronacation: Quack Doctor Mistakes Vaccine for COVID-19 as Margarita Mix

Coronacation: Examen Statue Has Moved Apart For Social Distancing

By Nathan Schmidt This week, in keeping with the new social distancing guidelines for the COVID-19 pandemic, the figures of the Examen statue on campus have moved six feet apart from each other. The twin statue, depicting two images of St. Ignatius facing each other at close distance, has stood in front of the Egan … Continue reading Coronacation: Examen Statue Has Moved Apart For Social Distancing

Coronacation: Promised Land Turns Out to University Life; Spirits Demand Refund on Life

By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium During campus quarantine, not much activity can be seen. However, the library has been the center of a majority of paranormal activity within university premises. From the Connecticut Supernatural Department, Private Ludwig Von Killinger gave this statement: "The library is haunted as hell. Like, Christ on a cross, there’s a ton … Continue reading Coronacation: Promised Land Turns Out to University Life; Spirits Demand Refund on Life

Coronacation: Students Mourn Missed Classes in Donnarumma Hall

By Nathan Schmidt With all classes moved online for the spring, the pangs of nostalgia for campus life have already set in for many students. And nowhere on campus is a more painful point of longing than the beloved Donnarumma Hall, which in hindsight is the most precious and home-like building in the university. Students … Continue reading Coronacation: Students Mourn Missed Classes in Donnarumma Hall

Coronacation: Turkeys Rejoice As They Successfully Conquer Campus Without Opposition

By Rosemary Harper Alas, the day we have feared for so many months. Due to the statewide lockdown and subsequent school closure, the turkeys — those little shits that torment us on a daily basis — have taken over Fairfield University. And they did it with ease. Once the week after spring break began, they … Continue reading Coronacation: Turkeys Rejoice As They Successfully Conquer Campus Without Opposition

Coronacation: White House Asks For Its Covid-19 Response To Be Graded On Pass/Fail

By Nathan Schmidt Yesterday, President Donald J. Trump’s latest press briefing took a turn for the academic when he asked that his administration’s response to the Covid-19 pandemic be graded on a pass/fail basis. The news came as deaths from the virus exceeded 14,000 in the United States, and as outbreaks began growing rapidly in … Continue reading Coronacation: White House Asks For Its Covid-19 Response To Be Graded On Pass/Fail

Coronacation: Quarantine Donations Mixed Up With Voting Ballots; Salvation Army Confused

By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE CAMPUS CENTER - University officials are left dumbfounded by the school's recent effort to aid the quarantine efforts. Their recipient, the Epstein Humanitarian Group, claimed that they had no need for canned goods and surgical masks. Upon investigating the group’s suggestion, it was discovered that the students’ efforts were mixed … Continue reading Coronacation: Quarantine Donations Mixed Up With Voting Ballots; Salvation Army Confused