By Pete Peterson As the upcoming election looms over our heads, the talk of both candidates' mental and physical health has been at the forefront of many people’s minds. After President Trump contracted the coronavirus, those talks increased exponentially. His health obviously deteriorated from the virus, so I think it’s time I say what everyone … Continue reading Politics With Pete: Three Reasons Why I Could (Probably) Beat Trump in One-on-One
By Mike Wishart For those of us who haven’t been living under a Dwayne Johnson, the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic has had wide ranging implications for our day to day lives. Not only are mundane activities like attending school or work being interrupted, big events we used to look forward to like concerts and … Continue reading University Forced To Cancel Several Guest Lectures, Nobody Noticed
By Nathan Schmidt Fairfield University has finally solved its issues with student diversity for all time. This week, campus officials unveiled a new commemorative monument, in the form of a brass plaque on the door of an all-gender restroom on the ground floor of Donnarumma Hall. The plaque reads, “No one saves us but ourselves. … Continue reading Campus Solves Diversity Issues with Siddhartha Gautama Quote On Restroom Door
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium McAuliffe - The entire university is held under quarantine following a surprise concert from none other than the Chicago-based heavy metal band Demented. Surprisingly, the group gave a motivational rendition of “Down With The Sickness” renamed as “Down With The Symptoms.” It served a great deal of positivity for the mass … Continue reading Uplifting Concert Held in COVID Testing Site; Compromises Entire University
By Marvin Irwin As I am sure you are aware of by now, in the COVID-infested wasteland with immaculately green grass that you know as Fairfield University, face coverings are required essentially any time you are outside of your living space. Whether or not this is followed is another story, but the rule implemented by … Continue reading Gaiter? I Hardly Know Her!: Why are neck gaiters the mask of choice for cool guys?
By Mike Wishart Ladies and gentlemen. We as a collective community have been duped. One hundred thousand dollars were stolen right from under our noses. How was this done? How could somebody have taken such a large sum of money from our beloved university without anybody noticing? I know what you may be thinking. Were … Continue reading Professor Gets Away With Heist, Robbing the University of $100,000
By Nathan Schmidt This week, a new crisis engulfed Fairfield University, completely overshadowing the COVID-19 pandemic: students drinking hand sanitizer because it is pumpkin spice-flavored. The specially flavored hand sanitizer was distributed to students starting last week, in an effort to “celebrate the fall season while staving off the apocalyptic death-plague,” in the words of … Continue reading Disaster Ensues After Campus Unveils Pumpkin Spice Hand Sanitizer
By Mike Wishart This past weekend, after seeing a troubling and sudden rise in COVID-19 cases on campus, the University announced that we would be moving to Status Level Orange. This means that the RecPlex has closed, posing a serious threat to the #gains of the campus community. The Tully is now entirely grab-and- go, … Continue reading Op-Ed: Seeing Red; Why on Earth Is the Last COVID-19 Danger Level Purple?
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Fairfield University Media Center - DPS officers garbed in masks and hazmat suits rushed to the scene at the former Dolan School of Business. There, two students had passed out on the side lawn while another was found near a back exit knocked out near the stairwell. Investigating the students on … Continue reading Quarantined Students Attempt Escape, Accidentally Create Found Footage Film
By Pete Peterson There are some moments in life that are on your mind from the earliest you can remember. They’re like stepping stones to adulthood, all creating the path towards freedom. These moments bring joy, pride, and a newfound sense of confidence to all who experience them. They are the most pivotal moments of … Continue reading Depression Levels Spike Among Juniors Since They Can’t Ask First Years “Who Do You Know Here?” At The Townhouses