By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
McAuliffe – The entire university is held under quarantine following a surprise concert from none other than the Chicago-based heavy metal band Demented. Surprisingly, the group gave a motivational rendition of “Down With The Sickness” renamed as “Down With The Symptoms.” It served a great deal of positivity for the mass of students who arrived.
Unfortunately, the entire student population was infected within 2 days of Demented’s appearance. Not only this, but food trucks are barred from entering the campus, forcing the students to eat at the Stag and Tully for the remainder of October.
“I can’t believe this,” said Hughie Ann ‘23. “Demented was on campus, and I managed to get down with the sickness. Coincidence?”
On the bright side, the turkeys have decided to wear masks on campus. At least, everyone’s doing their part to stop the spread.
Stagnation 