By Marvin Irwin It’s that time of the year again. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and the allergy sufferers are sneezing. You know what that means. The University wants you to get the hell out of your room, like yesterday. Fairfield has begun its semesterly barrage of emails. Each one begging you … Continue reading CIA Helps University Officials Take People Off-Campus For Summer Closing
Category: Politics
Stagnation Battle For Role of Editor-in-Chief; Winner Declared Within Remains of Alumni Hall
By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium FORMERLY ALUMNI HALL - The winner of Stagnation declared herself amongst the rubble of the demolished Alumni Hall, clutching the former Editor-in-Chief as she gave a victory screech. “Yeah, anyway, I’m head of Stagnation now,” Claire E. T. Nunn ‘24 reported calmly, “I guess it’s cool.” During the demolition of Alumni … Continue reading Stagnation Battle For Role of Editor-in-Chief; Winner Declared Within Remains of Alumni Hall
Ford Releases New Bronco, OJ Seeks Royalties For Every White One Sold
By Marvin Irwin If you love off-road capabilities, durability, double homicide, and American engineering, then Ford has just released the perfect car for you. This past year, Ford announced that it was bringing back its iconic SUV, the Ford Bronco. Bringing back the Bronco makes a lot of sense for Ford. The Bronco is one … Continue reading Ford Releases New Bronco, OJ Seeks Royalties For Every White One Sold
Rep. Matt Gaetz to Head Tours for Prospective Out of State Students
By Pete Peterson The always reasonable Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida had a fantastic week: everyone found out he can get laid, he loves to travel, and he absolutely killed his Tucker Carlson interview. With his draft stock skyrocketing, people are guessing what he’ll do next. Some speculative options included running for President in 2024, … Continue reading Rep. Matt Gaetz to Head Tours for Prospective Out of State Students
New “TSA Pre-Check” Approach To COVID Testing Panned By Critics
By Marvin Irwin Last week, the university introduced a new method of having students line up to get their weekly COVID-19 tests. The approach is roughly modeled after the TSA Pre-check process at airports, except instead of TSA agents it’s G-Force, and instead of businessmen in Patagonia vests it’s college students in Canada Goose jackets. … Continue reading New “TSA Pre-Check” Approach To COVID Testing Panned By Critics
“Stop saying stonks!” Economics Professor Quits In Midst Of GameStop Drama
By Mike Wishart To quote another another source of misguided plunges into the stock market, “I don’t care if you’re Warren Buffett or if you’re Jimmy Buffett,” nobody can defeat the memes. This is the harsh lesson that traditional Wall Street investors and hedge fund managers learned this past month with the GameStop short squeeze. … Continue reading “Stop saying stonks!” Economics Professor Quits In Midst Of GameStop Drama
Fairfield University Brings in Black History Month with Macklemore Q&A on Racial Justice
By Pete Peterson If there is one person who could end racism forever, it’s the white guy who won Beat Kendrick Lamar for Best Rap Album at the Grammys with “Thrift Shop”. I know that, you know that, and Fairfield knows that, which is exactly why Macklemore was paid $22,000 to have a Q&A on … Continue reading Fairfield University Brings in Black History Month with Macklemore Q&A on Racial Justice
Conspiracy Theorists Accuse LiveSafe App of Mind Control
By Nathan Schmidt This week, a viral article originally published by the Fairfield Patch has made the rounds in social media, accusing the LiveSafe phone app of mind-controlling its users. The app, used by Fairfield University for self-diagnosis of COVID-19 symptoms, is said to compel users against their will to diagnose themselves as being clean … Continue reading Conspiracy Theorists Accuse LiveSafe App of Mind Control
First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President
By Rosemary Harper 2020 is full of unprecedented situations and circumstances- and we here at Fairfield University have just been smacked in the face with another one. As the molasses of the 2020 Presidential Election continues to take its sweet, sweet time, first year student Brett Jarrods '24 has decided to follow Donald Trump’s example … Continue reading First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President
Stop the count! Students Attempt Presidential Method For Grading
By Marvin Irwin “Stop the count!” If you have said this phrase at some point during the past week or so, it is unlikely that you are able to read or pick up on satire. Since you are reading Stagnation, it is unlikely that this phrase is something you would have said. After Prisoner-Elect Donald … Continue reading Stop the count! Students Attempt Presidential Method For Grading
