“Stop saying stonks!” Economics Professor Quits In Midst Of GameStop Drama

By Mike Wishart To quote another another source of misguided plunges into the stock market, “I don’t care if you’re Warren Buffett or if you’re Jimmy Buffett,” nobody can defeat the memes.  This is the harsh lesson that traditional Wall Street investors and hedge fund managers learned this past month with the GameStop short squeeze. … Continue reading “Stop saying stonks!” Economics Professor Quits In Midst Of GameStop Drama

Fairfield University Brings in Black History Month with Macklemore Q&A on Racial Justice

By Pete Peterson If there is one person who could end racism forever, it’s the white guy who won Beat Kendrick Lamar for Best Rap Album at the Grammys with “Thrift Shop”.  I know that, you know that, and Fairfield knows that, which is exactly why Macklemore was paid $22,000 to have a Q&A on … Continue reading Fairfield University Brings in Black History Month with Macklemore Q&A on Racial Justice

Conspiracy Theorists Accuse LiveSafe App of Mind Control

By Nathan Schmidt This week, a viral article originally published by the Fairfield Patch has made the rounds in social media, accusing the LiveSafe phone app of mind-controlling its users. The app, used by Fairfield University for self-diagnosis of COVID-19 symptoms, is said to compel users against their will to diagnose themselves as being clean … Continue reading Conspiracy Theorists Accuse LiveSafe App of Mind Control

First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President

By Rosemary Harper 2020 is full of unprecedented situations and circumstances- and we here at Fairfield University have just been smacked in the face with another one. As the molasses of the 2020 Presidential Election continues to take its sweet, sweet time, first year student Brett Jarrods '24 has decided to follow Donald Trump’s example … Continue reading First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President

Stop the count! Students Attempt Presidential Method For Grading

By Marvin Irwin  “Stop the count!”  If you have said this phrase at some point during the past week or so, it is unlikely that you are able to read or pick up on satire. Since you are reading Stagnation, it is unlikely that this phrase is something you would have said.  After Prisoner-Elect Donald … Continue reading Stop the count! Students Attempt Presidential Method For Grading

FEC Implements Presidential Tie-Breaker: Candidates to Read “Green Eggs and Ham,” First to Mess Up Loses

By Nathan Schmidt In the midst of the razor-thin margins of the 2020 presidential election, the Federal Election Commission has put into motion a new tie-breaking measure. Known as the “Seuss Test,” this measure consists of both candidates taking turns reading lines from Dr. Seuss’ classic children’s book Green Eggs and Ham, with the first … Continue reading FEC Implements Presidential Tie-Breaker: Candidates to Read “Green Eggs and Ham,” First to Mess Up Loses

Politics With Pete: Three Reasons Why I Could (Probably) Beat Trump in One-on-One

By Pete Peterson As the upcoming election looms over our heads, the talk of both candidates' mental and physical health has been at the forefront of many people’s minds.  After President Trump contracted the coronavirus, those talks increased exponentially.  His health obviously deteriorated from the virus, so I think it’s time I say what everyone … Continue reading Politics With Pete: Three Reasons Why I Could (Probably) Beat Trump in One-on-One

How to Be a Titan of Industry: A Man Who Hasn’t Lost Hundreds of Millions of Dollars Shares His Tips and Tricks

By Michael Wishart This past weekend, the New York Times released a groundbreaking report regarding President Donald Trump’s tax returns. What the report showed was shocking, with the “Home Alone 2: Lost In New York” star paying just $750 in federal income tax in 2016 and 2017. Not only that, but Trump has lost $315 … Continue reading How to Be a Titan of Industry: A Man Who Hasn’t Lost Hundreds of Millions of Dollars Shares His Tips and Tricks

DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

By Pete Peterson “You've gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”- Dirty Harry - DPS officers After a recent outbreak of COVID-19 cases among students on Fairfield University’s campus that no one could have possibly predicted, the University has taken extreme measures to enforce the safety guidelines they put … Continue reading DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

Fairfield University Gets Into USA Today

By Nathan Schmidt After the rocky start to the semester, Fairfield University has scored a major publicity win: We have been included in a USA Today article! The article, which went online yesterday, contained a genuinely thoughtful contribution from campus writers about the student body’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic. USA Today has accordingly given … Continue reading Fairfield University Gets Into USA Today