Spotify Outage Causes Chaos and Panic on Campus

By Rosemary Harper A rare outage from the popular music streaming platform Spotify caused introverts and gym bros alike to live their worst nightmare- a little over an hour of a musicless existence. At around 1:10pm EST on Tuesday March 8th, when thousands of users were logged out of their accounts, Fairfield U students began … Continue reading Spotify Outage Causes Chaos and Panic on Campus

Fairfield University Announces New State of The Art Binge Watching Course

By Rosemary Harper Fairfield University has announced a brand new state of the art binge watching course in keeping with the University’s promise to create current, useful classes for the next generation. Curricula will include: distinguishing productive watching from aproductive watching, identifying whether to watch a programme or film for societal acceptance or for your … Continue reading Fairfield University Announces New State of The Art Binge Watching Course

Stagnation Cancelled?! Competitive Conspiracies Afoot?

by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - After the latest COSO Academy, it was declared that Stagnation would be indefinitely suspended until Fairfield University shuts down. “Look, I’ll be real with you,” President Tammi Borami ‘24 of the Old Yellers Club, “When we saw those bigwigs on those ‘Stagnation’ guys, I knew that they really screwed … Continue reading Stagnation Cancelled?! Competitive Conspiracies Afoot?

End of Restriction Celebration Extravaganza Announced

By Rosemary Harper Fairfield University has announced plans to celebrate covid restrictions being lifted on February 28th. The first ever “end of restriction celebration extravaganza” will take place on March 1st in the BCC Oak room. A total of around 5000 students will be expected, as all class years have been notified, and will be … Continue reading End of Restriction Celebration Extravaganza Announced

YikYak Users Dismayed to Find Positive Comments on App; “Where’s the Bad Funnies?”

ITS - Numerous students have gathered at the ITS department after multiple reports concerning YikYak accumulating since yesterday. At the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, the main floor is more of a battleground than usual. “I’m not smiling!” screamed Yonda Twoscun ‘23, “I want to laugh at my university, not laugh with it!” Multiple students had begun banging … Continue reading YikYak Users Dismayed to Find Positive Comments on App; “Where’s the Bad Funnies?”

Alumni Family Weekend Abruptly Cuts Following Band Being Minors

Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium REGIS - Fairfield Alumni and parents are outraged at the University following the appearance of the Adults at Alumni Family Weekend. Much to everyone’s horror, the Adults turned out to be minors around the age of 12. “I like playing my guitar,” said Jimmy Shareden, “My mom bought my guitar. Do you … Continue reading Alumni Family Weekend Abruptly Cuts Following Band Being Minors

Fairfield Introduces Hunger Games Style Events to Solve Limited Housing in Freshmen Buildings

by April Griffin Fairfield’s Class of 2025 has the highest total enrolment to date. As a result, housing options have become incredibly scarce and the university had to get creative to solve their lack of space. The university is now implementing “Hunger Games” style events in order to solve their issue. “It definitely wasn’t our … Continue reading Fairfield Introduces Hunger Games Style Events to Solve Limited Housing in Freshmen Buildings

Presball DJ Revealed to be Time Traveler from 2013

by Pepper Pippins Stagnation reporters have uncovered the truth about the DJ at the 2021 Presidential Ball. Last Friday marked the first major on campus event since the start of the Covid19 pandemic. Students expected to encounter covid related limitations, however there was one thing that no one expected. All the music was at least … Continue reading Presball DJ Revealed to be Time Traveler from 2013

Numerous Students Gone Missing After Pres Ball; Authorities Brush Off as Students Partying Hard

Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BELLARMINE - Sunday morning, authorities are on the lookout for several missing students following the Presidential Ball. Despite the enormous turnout for freshmen and higher, all attendees disappeared under unknown circumstances. “It’s just the way these college kids roll,” DPS Officer Jim Jambo stated Saturday, “First, they get absolutely black-out drunk. Then, … Continue reading Numerous Students Gone Missing After Pres Ball; Authorities Brush Off as Students Partying Hard

Students Expelled For Breathing in the Library

By Rosemary Harper 26 students have been permanently expelled from Fairfield U after breathing in the library- causing excruciating noise levels of 10db. Norah Noravnovski, head librarian and head of 0 db maintenance, was admitted to the hospital for ruptured eardrums after a sharp increase in noise from zero to 10 db levels that lasted … Continue reading Students Expelled For Breathing in the Library