Fairfield Priest Demands to Know What ‘Updog’ Is

By Nathan Schmidt Students were unsettled this week when Jesuit priest Rube Marky was spotted wandering campus and asking students what ‘Updog’ is. The priest, known affectionately to the student body as Father “Total” Rube, went from Jogues to Faber asking this same question over and over again: What exactly is this ‘Updog’ everyone is … Continue reading Fairfield Priest Demands to Know What ‘Updog’ Is

Class of 2021 Petitioning for Dunkin Gift Cards

By Rosemary Harper A new, highly popular petition has been flying around Fairfield campus. What is this hot new movement, you may ask? It can be summed up in two words: Dunkin Donuts.  Among recent news of graduation plans for the class of 2021, there have been mixed opinions surrounding how the ceremony (or ceremonies … Continue reading Class of 2021 Petitioning for Dunkin Gift Cards

Rep. Matt Gaetz to Head Tours for Prospective Out of State Students

By Pete Peterson The always reasonable Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida had a fantastic week: everyone found out he can get laid, he loves to travel, and he absolutely killed his Tucker Carlson interview.  With his draft stock skyrocketing, people are guessing what he’ll do next.  Some speculative options included running for President in 2024, … Continue reading Rep. Matt Gaetz to Head Tours for Prospective Out of State Students

Philosophy and English Combined Under New Pataphysics Course

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium After much confusion and discord between Philosophy and English faculty, both departments now have a new course that covers common ground: pataphysics. “I have to admit, I was just joking around when I suggested that,” said Professor Lazlo Gorman, a guest professor from Sacred Heart University, “I didn’t think you stag-smartasses … Continue reading Philosophy and English Combined Under New Pataphysics Course

Student Tour Ambassador Hypes Up Fairfield’s Pokémon Go Scene

By Nathan Schmidt In the era of Covid-19, in-person tours of Fairfield campus are a thing of the past. But student tour ambassador Raymond Shampi ‘21 has found a new and revolutionary way to attract new prospective students online to Fairfield University: advertising the campus’ offerings in Pokémon Go. “There are so many more gyms … Continue reading Student Tour Ambassador Hypes Up Fairfield’s Pokémon Go Scene

Fairfield Temporary Ice Rink Rebranded as “State of the Art Ankle Workout”

By Rosemary Harper This semester Fairfield University has generously supplied the student body with a temporary 1 ½ month ice skating rink located on the Campion basketball courts. Because of budget and the time of year, the rink is obviously plastic with a lubricant coating on top. Unfortunately because the “ice” makes it nearly impossible … Continue reading Fairfield Temporary Ice Rink Rebranded as “State of the Art Ankle Workout”

SEO Expert Makes Stagnation 1st Place on All Google Searches

By Nathan Schmidt My friends, we have made it. We have struck gold. Last week, Stagnation was approached by a talented SEO expert looking for work. Although their name is Kathy, we will keep them anonymous in this article. By revamping Stagnation’s website design and fixing our metadata using legitimate techniques, we have achieved the … Continue reading SEO Expert Makes Stagnation 1st Place on All Google Searches

New “TSA Pre-Check” Approach To COVID Testing Panned By Critics

By Marvin Irwin Last week, the university introduced a new method of having students line up to get their weekly COVID-19 tests. The approach is roughly modeled after the TSA Pre-check process at airports, except instead of TSA agents it’s G-Force, and instead of businessmen in Patagonia vests it’s college students in Canada Goose jackets. … Continue reading New “TSA Pre-Check” Approach To COVID Testing Panned By Critics

Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers

By Nathan Schmidt An investigative report by Stagnation over the last six months has revealed economic ruination in Fairfield University’s black market for dry-erase markers. With students moving online for some or all of their classes, the once-thriving illicit trade for the Expo brand markers has become the latest casualty of the COVID-19 pandemic. The … Continue reading Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers

Top 5 Ways To Be Guaranteed A Write-In

By Nathan Schmidt If you’re preparing for the fall 2021 semester, you may have your eye on some competitive courses. But how can you be sure to get into that perfect Anthropology for Dummies course when so many other students want the same thing? The answer is to ask the professor for a write-in. Follow … Continue reading Top 5 Ways To Be Guaranteed A Write-In