YikYak Users Dismayed to Find Positive Comments on App; “Where’s the Bad Funnies?”

ITS - Numerous students have gathered at the ITS department after multiple reports concerning YikYak accumulating since yesterday. At the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, the main floor is more of a battleground than usual. “I’m not smiling!” screamed Yonda Twoscun ‘23, “I want to laugh at my university, not laugh with it!” Multiple students had begun banging … Continue reading YikYak Users Dismayed to Find Positive Comments on App; “Where’s the Bad Funnies?”

Alumni Family Weekend Abruptly Cuts Following Band Being Minors

Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium REGIS - Fairfield Alumni and parents are outraged at the University following the appearance  of the Adults at Alumni Family Weekend. Much to everyone’s horror, the Adults turned out to be minors around the age of 12. “I like playing my guitar,” said Jimmy Shareden, “My mom bought my guitar. Do you … Continue reading Alumni Family Weekend Abruptly Cuts Following Band Being Minors

Fairfield Introduces Hunger Games Style Events to Solve Limited Housing in Freshmen Buildings

by April Griffin Fairfield’s Class of 2025 has the highest total enrolment to date. As a result, housing options have become incredibly scarce and the university had to get creative to solve their lack of space. The university is now implementing “Hunger Games” style events in order to solve their issue. “It definitely wasn’t our … Continue reading Fairfield Introduces Hunger Games Style Events to Solve Limited Housing in Freshmen Buildings

Presball DJ Revealed to be Time Traveler from 2013

by Pepper Pippins Stagnation reporters have uncovered the truth about the DJ at the 2021 Presidential Ball. Last Friday marked the first major on campus event since the start of the Covid19 pandemic. Students expected to encounter covid related limitations, however there was one thing that no one expected. All the music was at least … Continue reading Presball DJ Revealed to be Time Traveler from 2013

Numerous Students Gone Missing After Pres Ball; Authorities Brush Off as Students Partying Hard

Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BELLARMINE - Sunday morning, authorities are on the lookout for several missing students following the Presidential Ball. Despite the enormous turnout for freshmen and higher, all attendees disappeared under unknown circumstances.  “It’s just the way these college kids roll,” DPS Officer Jim Jambo stated Saturday, “First, they get absolutely black-out drunk. Then, … Continue reading Numerous Students Gone Missing After Pres Ball; Authorities Brush Off as Students Partying Hard

Students Expelled For Breathing in the Library 

By Rosemary Harper 26 students have been permanently expelled from Fairfield U after breathing in the library- causing excruciating  noise levels of 10db. Norah Noravnovski, head librarian and head of 0 db maintenance, was admitted to the hospital for ruptured eardrums after a sharp increase in noise from zero to 10 db levels that lasted … Continue reading Students Expelled For Breathing in the Library 

Students Notice Drop in Quality of “Chicken Tenders” in Tully, DPS Notice Reports of Missing Turkeys

by Richard “Richie” Swett Gamey taste and blandness has been reported in Chicken tenders in the campus cafeteria! Fairfield University’s beloved campus turkeys have had a drop in sightings recently. DPS has told Stagnation reporters that they had taken note of this and started regular patrols targeting turkey theft. Fairfield U’s Tully cafeteria patrons have … Continue reading Students Notice Drop in Quality of “Chicken Tenders” in Tully, DPS Notice Reports of Missing Turkeys

CIA Helps University Officials Take People Off-Campus For Summer Closing

By Marvin Irwin It’s that time of the year again. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and the allergy sufferers are sneezing. You know what that means. The University wants you to get the hell out of your room, like yesterday.  Fairfield has begun its semesterly barrage of emails. Each one begging you … Continue reading CIA Helps University Officials Take People Off-Campus For Summer Closing

Chapel Replaces Communion Wine with Vodka and Grape Fanta

By Pete Peterson Businesses have struggled since the pandemic began last March, and not even churches could escape the crash.  Although the Catholics have mostly avoided any new child-fondling instances, the Pope was forced to make business decisions to turn the stock back in the direction of the big man upstairs (and Gamestop).  Stagnation talked … Continue reading Chapel Replaces Communion Wine with Vodka and Grape Fanta

First Year Film Students Help Accelerate Demolition of Alumni Hall

By Rosemary Harper This Monday marked the beginning of construction for Fairfield U’s new Convocation Center and the demolition of our beloved airplane hangar, formerly known as Alumni Hall. The hyped up deconstruction of the old facility has left students less than excited to say the least, as many members of the Fairfield community were … Continue reading First Year Film Students Help Accelerate Demolition of Alumni Hall