Presball DJ Revealed to be Time Traveler from 2013

by Pepper Pippins

Stagnation reporters have uncovered the truth about the DJ at the 2021 Presidential Ball. Last Friday marked the first major on campus event since the start of the Covid19 pandemic. Students expected to encounter covid related limitations, however there was one thing that no one expected. All the music was at least 8 years old.

Students were both disappointed and confused at the predicament of throwing it down on the dance floor to songs that they had to think about before going “oh yeah I remember this one.”  Sara Whippit ‘24 was among one of several who were outraged that “WAP” was left off the list and decided to start the “PAYBACK FOR PRESBALL” protest online that earned 5000 signatures. 

To keep from having to shell out the 60k earned from 4 hours of sweaty college kids, the University admitted to using more radical methods in order to find a DJ.

“In order to be sure to prevent any covid cases from off campus, we used ulterior methods and hired someone from several years behind the pandemic. We apologise that ‘WAP’ was not played; however, had we given him that track the timeline could have ruptured.” said Jenny McNewson, University spokesperson. 

McNewson also assured students that future events will hire entertainment from the present day, although she did not disclose exactly how the DJ managed to jump ahead (and back) P8 years into the future. 

Stay tuned for updates.

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