Presball DJ Revealed to be Time Traveler from 2013

by Pepper Pippins Stagnation reporters have uncovered the truth about the DJ at the 2021 Presidential Ball. Last Friday marked the first major on campus event since the start of the Covid19 pandemic. Students expected to encounter covid related limitations, however there was one thing that no one expected. All the music was at least … Continue reading Presball DJ Revealed to be Time Traveler from 2013

“Fairfield In Focus” Gives Incoming First Years A Taste of Zoom

By Nathan Schmidt Last week, Fairfield University clubs participated in the second of the semester’s two Fairfield In Focus events — not on campus, of course, but over Zoom. The online-only quarantine-safe events, which were designed to introduce incoming first year students to the many exciting student-run groups at the university, successfully conveyed everything they … Continue reading “Fairfield In Focus” Gives Incoming First Years A Taste of Zoom

Student Tour Ambassador Hypes Up Fairfield’s Pokémon Go Scene

By Nathan Schmidt In the era of Covid-19, in-person tours of Fairfield campus are a thing of the past. But student tour ambassador Raymond Shampi ‘21 has found a new and revolutionary way to attract new prospective students online to Fairfield University: advertising the campus’ offerings in Pokémon Go. “There are so many more gyms … Continue reading Student Tour Ambassador Hypes Up Fairfield’s Pokémon Go Scene

DPS Introduces Newest Officer: Prince Harry

By Marvin Irwin To continue to pretend to crack down on COVID-19 guideline violations on campus, the Department of Public Safety has announced that it is expanding its ranks. One particular new recruit has captured the imagination of the campus community.  Among the newest additions to the DPS forces is everyone’s favorite redhead from the … Continue reading DPS Introduces Newest Officer: Prince Harry

New “TSA Pre-Check” Approach To COVID Testing Panned By Critics

By Marvin Irwin Last week, the university introduced a new method of having students line up to get their weekly COVID-19 tests. The approach is roughly modeled after the TSA Pre-check process at airports, except instead of TSA agents it’s G-Force, and instead of businessmen in Patagonia vests it’s college students in Canada Goose jackets. … Continue reading New “TSA Pre-Check” Approach To COVID Testing Panned By Critics

Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers

By Nathan Schmidt An investigative report by Stagnation over the last six months has revealed economic ruination in Fairfield University’s black market for dry-erase markers. With students moving online for some or all of their classes, the once-thriving illicit trade for the Expo brand markers has become the latest casualty of the COVID-19 pandemic. The … Continue reading Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers

Lucas The Stag Removed From Campus For Public Health

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium REC-PLEX - Lucas The Stag, Fairfield University’s famous mascot was carted away by the Fairfield Public Health Department following an email concerning a possible new COVID-19 strain or new virus altogether. On Lucas’s Twitter, he tweeted that he was “spreading it all over campus,” and that “soon everyone [would] be positive.” … Continue reading Lucas The Stag Removed From Campus For Public Health

Fairfield University Spends Vaccine Budget on New Vehicles for DPS

By Pete Peterson The town of Fairfield has always been considered a rough area.  The Gold Coast got its name from the Wild Wild West atmosphere, plagued with violence and crime.  Fairfield University is often considered the epicenter of danger, and the crime-fighters of the “Juarez of Connecticut” are finally punching back against the bad … Continue reading Fairfield University Spends Vaccine Budget on New Vehicles for DPS

Zombie Virus Outbreak on Campus; Students Believe Otherwise

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium GONZAGA - Dr. Eugene Trevors of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention came to the university to discuss a mutated strain of the COVID-19 virus present on campus. As he explained cautiously what to do, first year student Cody Zachary stood up and claimed otherwise.“You’re obviously lying,” claimed Zachary, “Just … Continue reading Zombie Virus Outbreak on Campus; Students Believe Otherwise

University’s Vaccine Rollout Takes Disastrous Turn

By Marvin Irwin This is what we in the biz call a good news bad news situation.  Good news, the university has acquired COVID-19 vaccines for all students.  Bad news, the university was responsible for handling the vaccines.  This past weekend, Fairfield University successfully acquired a shipment of Russia’s Sputnik V COVID-19 vaccines. University officials, … Continue reading University’s Vaccine Rollout Takes Disastrous Turn