University’s Vaccine Rollout Takes Disastrous Turn

By Marvin Irwin This is what we in the biz call a good news bad news situation.  Good news, the university has acquired COVID-19 vaccines for all students.  Bad news, the university was responsible for handling the vaccines.  This past weekend, Fairfield University successfully acquired a shipment of Russia’s Sputnik V COVID-19 vaccines. University officials, … Continue reading University’s Vaccine Rollout Takes Disastrous Turn

Tales From Isolation: A Portrait of a Young Man On the Edge

By Mike Wishart The following transcript comes from the journal of Fairfield University student Michael Wishart, as recovered by Fairfield University’s Department of Public Safety. WARNING: The following content may be disturbing to some readers.  Friday, January 29th, 2021 Today my townhouse seems a lot bigger than it usually is, and my bed feels just … Continue reading Tales From Isolation: A Portrait of a Young Man On the Edge

New Job Opening: Driving the COVID Cart

By Rosemary Harper Fairfield University's Department of Public Safety has recently posted a job opening for students to drive the cart that shuttles students to and from the old Dolan School of Business, where those with positive cases are quarantined for a 14-day period. All students are eligible to apply for this position, regardless of … Continue reading New Job Opening: Driving the COVID Cart

Food Trucks Cause COVID Outbreak; Students Report Totally Worth It

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Staff member Loretta Palms watched as DPS officers reprimanded the owners of food trucks that have recently proven to have sold contaminated food. This scandal occurred shortly after Move-In Day, as vendors such as Super Duper Weenie were witnessed to disregard basic health regulations. “It’s not fair,” Resident Ian Antoine … Continue reading Food Trucks Cause COVID Outbreak; Students Report Totally Worth It

Confused Turkeys Quarantine Themselves In Library

By Nathan Schmidt The nightmare scenario has begun. In the wake of widespread quarantine and safety measures to protect against COVID-19, some of the turkeys on campus have taken it upon themselves to shelter in place until the crisis is over. Unfortunately, the building they have chosen for their quarantine is the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, which … Continue reading Confused Turkeys Quarantine Themselves In Library

Conspiracy Theorists Accuse LiveSafe App of Mind Control

By Nathan Schmidt This week, a viral article originally published by the Fairfield Patch has made the rounds in social media, accusing the LiveSafe phone app of mind-controlling its users. The app, used by Fairfield University for self-diagnosis of COVID-19 symptoms, is said to compel users against their will to diagnose themselves as being clean … Continue reading Conspiracy Theorists Accuse LiveSafe App of Mind Control

With Students Gone, Nature Already Returning to the Quad

By Nathan Schmidt Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the last two weeks of classes this semester are being held entirely online. This choice has led to an early emptying-out of campus, and the few students left are describing the local environment as a “safari.” Their words are not an exaggeration. As has been seen in … Continue reading With Students Gone, Nature Already Returning to the Quad

Lucas the Stag Launches OnlyFans Account

By Marvin Irwin In the midst of the uncertainty that clouds the country today, businesses across America are struggling and universities are not immune. Colleges are struggling to drive up applicants due to the lifestyle that college students must adhere to due to the COVID-19 pandemic. For some inexplicable reason, students and their parents are … Continue reading Lucas the Stag Launches OnlyFans Account

Scandal Erupts When Campus Turkeys Refuse to Wear Masks

By Nathan Schmidt This semester, turkeys have bucked the trend once again. As part of the precautions against COVID-19, all students, faculty and staff on campus have been required to forevermore wear at least one mask over their face. But while the humans of Fairfield may be consigned to hide their faces under the new … Continue reading Scandal Erupts When Campus Turkeys Refuse to Wear Masks

History Department Re-Enacts “Game of Thrones” — 99 Dead

By Nathan Schmidt Calamity beyond reckoning struck Fairfield University this week when the history department re-enacted the HBO hit series “Game of Thrones” using student volunteers. The event, which had originally been intended as a socially-distanced history lesson, quickly spiraled out of control with stabbings, poisonings and scheming across the entire campus. Already, ninety-nine have … Continue reading History Department Re-Enacts “Game of Thrones” — 99 Dead