RIP, Juul: Now I Have to Go Back to Tide Pods

By the Guy in the Blue Scarf BREAKING NEWS! Juul is banned. Absolute pandemonium has set in all over campus. Students are seemingly breaking at the seams as the ban on Juul has triggered powerful withdrawal symptoms. They can be seen frantically scratching themselves to bone and many have reported debilitating chills. Responses to the … Continue reading RIP, Juul: Now I Have to Go Back to Tide Pods

Op-Ed: “““Art””” in Bannow should be taken down

By Willoughby Humphrey The Bannow Science Center is a proud beacon of scientific thought on campus here at Fairfield University. But while admiring the scientific portraits of fish and birds, I noticed on the wall of the second floor a piece of art so heinous and wrong-footed, that naturally I had to write an article … Continue reading Op-Ed: “““Art””” in Bannow should be taken down

FUSA Senate Debates Removing the Carcass of Stag from LLBCC

By Nathan Schmidt Controversy has once again embroiled the FUSA Senate as its members debate whether to remove the full stag carcass from the Barone Campus Center. The hollowed-out and taxidermized stag, which is located in the BCC lower level, has provoked strong reactions both for and against its removal. Supporters say that the stag’s … Continue reading FUSA Senate Debates Removing the Carcass of Stag from LLBCC

Senior Expelled After Stepping on Grass Outside DSB

By Nathan Schmidt Scandal has rocked Fairfield University after a senior student was summarily expelled for stepping on a patch of grass that no living being was meant to touch. It happened in the blink of an eye. Pauling Halenmeyer ‘20 was leaving her 11 AM management class at the new Dolan School of Business, … Continue reading Senior Expelled After Stepping on Grass Outside DSB

Student Reported Missing After Commanding Amazon Alexa to “Tell Bezos He’s a Bald Bitch”

By Pete Peterson A community is on edge after the disappearance of a student from Fairfield University. The student, a junior communications major named Jonathan O’Conner, vanished sometime Friday night after 9:45pm. According to his roommate, who asked to remain anonymous, said that he last saw O'Conner in their dorms before going out. There were … Continue reading Student Reported Missing After Commanding Amazon Alexa to “Tell Bezos He’s a Bald Bitch”

Caddyshack Reboot Starring ONLY Shaquille O’Neal, “Caddy-Shaq” Begins Filming

By Mike Wishart With Hollywood’s reboot fever far from cooling, Warner Brothers has just announced a re-imagining of the 1980 comedy classic Caddyshack set to hit theaters in summer 2020 starring Shaquille O’Neal with M. Night Shyamalan attached to direct. “This is a project that’s very close to my heart, almost as close to my … Continue reading Caddyshack Reboot Starring ONLY Shaquille O’Neal, “Caddy-Shaq” Begins Filming

On Brand-New “Lucas Week,” All Students Must Dress as Campus Mascot

By Nathan Schmidt This week, campus officials announced an ambitious new plan to boost school spirit at Fairfield University by requiring all students to put on costumes of Lucas the Stag for one full week. The costumes, distributed by the Office of Residence Life, are designed to make every student literally be the mascot of … Continue reading On Brand-New “Lucas Week,” All Students Must Dress as Campus Mascot

Barnyard Manor Grand Opening and Christening Ruined by Celebratory Champagne Breaking

By Alexis Shepard Barnyard Manor had its grand opening on the 11th, with Manor members, faculty, FUSA, other students, and the token Jesuit priest in attendance. The crowd was awkwardly arranged in one of the driveways, and not in a packed group, but something closer to a Nike swoosh as most of the attendance tried … Continue reading Barnyard Manor Grand Opening and Christening Ruined by Celebratory Champagne Breaking

2020’s Hottest New Style: Communism

By Nathan Schmidt, For the Proletariat It’s a red-hot new year coming up, as Fairfield prepares itself for a revolutionary blast to the past with the new 2020 Communist style. Get ready for hammer-and-sickle-bearing hoodies, t-shirts and sneakers, all available at retailers near you for no price but your service to the motherland! The Communist … Continue reading 2020’s Hottest New Style: Communism

History Department Meets Revised Core By Creating Tomb-Raiding Program

By Nathan Schmidt This fall, Fairfield University’s history department has unveiled a brand-new program for students to learn to steal artifacts from ancient tombs. The battery of scaffolded courses, designed in light of the new revised core curriculum, will teach students to visit archaeological dig sites, sneak into sealed and locked spaces, and make off … Continue reading History Department Meets Revised Core By Creating Tomb-Raiding Program