Category: Uncategorized

Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag 

Freddie “Quickie” Mercuirum BARONE - Hollywood Reporter followed Fairfield University’s esteemed mascot Lucas T. Stag as famous actor Scarlett Johansson approached the mascot with a big offer. “Lucas Tiberius Stag,” Johnansson said, “I want you to play in my upcoming biopic.” Reporters hounded Stag as DPS gave him an opportunity to run out the third … Continue reading Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag 

Presball DJ Revealed to be Time Traveler from 2013

by Pepper Pippins Stagnation reporters have uncovered the truth about the DJ at the 2021 Presidential Ball. Last Friday marked the first major on campus event since the start of the Covid19 pandemic. Students expected to encounter covid related limitations, however there was one thing that no one expected. All the music was at least … Continue reading Presball DJ Revealed to be Time Traveler from 2013

FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore

by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium  BARONE - Numerous student organizations are furious following the leaks on The Mirror by an anonymous source. The most eye-catching detail? A group-photo of the FUSA Senate having lunch with Former Vice President Al Gore with traces of cocaine on their nostrils. “It’s outrageous,” Fabian Glutte ‘23, President of the Satirical … Continue reading FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore

DPS Introduces Newest Officer: Prince Harry

By Marvin Irwin To continue to pretend to crack down on COVID-19 guideline violations on campus, the Department of Public Safety has announced that it is expanding its ranks. One particular new recruit has captured the imagination of the campus community.  Among the newest additions to the DPS forces is everyone’s favorite redhead from the … Continue reading DPS Introduces Newest Officer: Prince Harry

Stags TV show “Lucas ‘N Me” Cancelled Following Chick-fil-A Scandal

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium MEDIA CENTER - Writers of the now-defunct “Lucas ‘N Me” project protest outside the Levee following an outrageous scandal that led to its cancellation. The scandal in question refers to pictures of Lucas the Stag involved with Chick-fil-A employee Justin Tymme with documents of unknown nature sprawled across a table at … Continue reading Stags TV show “Lucas ‘N Me” Cancelled Following Chick-fil-A Scandal

Coronacation: Campus-Wide Hide and Seek Gone Too Far 

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium Fairfield University reported that the “Campus Hide & Seek” FYE Thrive Event created a problem in attendance in classes. DPS has noticed that they cannot locate any students or staff on the campus. Unfortunately, as much as the University notifies all that the event was only meant to last for a … Continue reading Coronacation: Campus-Wide Hide and Seek Gone Too Far 

Fairfield University Cancels One-Episode Student Show

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium The newest show on the Fairfield University streaming service, "The Stag Show with Gregory Luthers," was immediately canceled after airing for 10 minutes. Luthers was brought into the Dean’s office to discuss his status as a Fairfield student as parents of freshmen students demand for his expulsion. Luthers denied any involvement … Continue reading Fairfield University Cancels One-Episode Student Show

Crisis Hits Tully After Widespread Dry Mouth Caused by CBD Oil/Olive Oil Mix-Up

By Rosemary Harper Last Wednesday a senior chowing down in the Tully unknowingly sparked a widespread panic to all olive oil consumers. Stuart Gregstein ‘20  had brought his own bottle of CBD infused oil from home to sprinkle on his grilled cheese sandwich and popcorn chicken for “that extra punch of flavor only a good … Continue reading Crisis Hits Tully After Widespread Dry Mouth Caused by CBD Oil/Olive Oil Mix-Up