FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore

by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium  BARONE - Numerous student organizations are furious following the leaks on The Mirror by an anonymous source. The most eye-catching detail? A group-photo of the FUSA Senate having lunch with Former Vice President Al Gore with traces of cocaine on their nostrils. “It’s outrageous,” Fabian Glutte ‘23, President of the Satirical … Continue reading FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore

Bad News: Fairfield University Ranked #272 Alphabetically

By Nathan Schmidt This week, Fairfield-sponsored research revealed that the university is only 272nd nationwide in alphabetical order. The news came as a terrible blow, ruining Fairfield’s winning streak and putting its plans for academic growth into total disarray. “This is unacceptable,” said an anonymous professor in an email distributed to the entire faculty. “Fairfield … Continue reading Bad News: Fairfield University Ranked #272 Alphabetically

Donnarumma Ranked Most Prison-Like Building on Campus

By Nathan Schmidt In this year’s annual survey by the Office of Residence Life, students selected Donnarumma Hall as the most prison-like of all the buildings on campus. The vote came in an overwhelming landslide, with 92 percent of participating students singling out the building for its patently oppressive and generally unpleasant design. “I’m simultaneously … Continue reading Donnarumma Ranked Most Prison-Like Building on Campus

Shelled Eggs, Chaos on the Menu at the Tully

By EEC Thomas, class of 2021, woke up feeling groggy before his 9:30 a.m. class on Monday morning, but when he arrived at the Tully Dining Hall for a quick bite, his eyes lit up and he knew it was going to be a great day. Why? Because at the “do-it-yourself” station, there were eggs. … Continue reading Shelled Eggs, Chaos on the Menu at the Tully

That Guy is Still in the Library

By Nathan Schmidt Students returning to Fairfield University for the spring semester were shocked to find that the mysterious guy from the end of last semester is still in the library. The middle-aged man, who has not spoken to anyone else in the library and seems oblivious to the existence of all other human beings, … Continue reading That Guy is Still in the Library

New Shipment of Lazy Students Arrives Just In Time to Crowd the Entire Library During Finals

By Villenueve With the onset of finals, the biannual stampede of students to the library is happening once again. While the library is all but empty for most of the semester until the middle of finals, there will be about 8 square inches of free surface area total on the library floor, due to the … Continue reading New Shipment of Lazy Students Arrives Just In Time to Crowd the Entire Library During Finals

Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages

By Nathan Schmidt An unidentified man has been sighted in Fairfield University’s DiMenna-Nyselius Library every day for at least one week straight. Students have reacted with a mix of consternation and bewilderment, since the man doesn’t seem to do anything, and since he’s there all the time without exception. The nameless visitor has been likened … Continue reading Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages

Stag Spirit Shop Begins Selling Vodka Blankets Alongside Real Blankets

By Nathan Schmidt This month, the Stag Spirit Shop will begin helping students with life on campus by selling vodka blankets along with the regular cloth blankets. As fall turns to winter and the temperature drops outside, the one-stop shop for many resident students always becomes a prime resource for items related to the cold. … Continue reading Stag Spirit Shop Begins Selling Vodka Blankets Alongside Real Blankets

Freshman Makes It Known He’s Working Out by Grunting Loudly

By Nathan Schmidt A freshman student has perfected the art of grunting loudly during weight training to let everyone know he’s working out. Brett Igmalio ‘22, who is studying in the School of Business and proudly wears a bright yellow power tie with his tailored blazer at social functions, makes it vocally clear to all … Continue reading Freshman Makes It Known He’s Working Out by Grunting Loudly

Business Major Cleverly Minors in Finance

By Nathan Schmidt Faculty members at Fairfield University were left scratching their heads in wonder as a business major made the never-before-seen decision to minor in finance. Theodore Tayne ‘21, who is currently pursuing his sophomore year of education in the School of Business, has diversified his academic résumé with an unexpected, finance-based twist that … Continue reading Business Major Cleverly Minors in Finance