New Shipment of Lazy Students Arrives Just In Time to Crowd the Entire Library During Finals

By Villenueve With the onset of finals, the biannual stampede of students to the library is happening once again. While the library is all but empty for most of the semester until the middle of finals, there will be about 8 square inches of free surface area total on the library floor, due to the … Continue reading New Shipment of Lazy Students Arrives Just In Time to Crowd the Entire Library During Finals

Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages

By Nathan Schmidt An unidentified man has been sighted in Fairfield University’s DiMenna-Nyselius Library every day for at least one week straight. Students have reacted with a mix of consternation and bewilderment, since the man doesn’t seem to do anything, and since he’s there all the time without exception. The nameless visitor has been likened … Continue reading Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages

Stag Spirit Shop Begins Selling Vodka Blankets Alongside Real Blankets

By Nathan Schmidt This month, the Stag Spirit Shop will begin helping students with life on campus by selling vodka blankets along with the regular cloth blankets. As fall turns to winter and the temperature drops outside, the one-stop shop for many resident students always becomes a prime resource for items related to the cold. … Continue reading Stag Spirit Shop Begins Selling Vodka Blankets Alongside Real Blankets

Freshman Makes It Known He’s Working Out by Grunting Loudly

By Nathan Schmidt A freshman student has perfected the art of grunting loudly during weight training to let everyone know he’s working out. Brett Igmalio ‘22, who is studying in the School of Business and proudly wears a bright yellow power tie with his tailored blazer at social functions, makes it vocally clear to all … Continue reading Freshman Makes It Known He’s Working Out by Grunting Loudly

Business Major Cleverly Minors in Finance

By Nathan Schmidt Faculty members at Fairfield University were left scratching their heads in wonder as a business major made the never-before-seen decision to minor in finance. Theodore Tayne ‘21, who is currently pursuing his sophomore year of education in the School of Business, has diversified his academic résumé with an unexpected, finance-based twist that … Continue reading Business Major Cleverly Minors in Finance

FU Opens Doors to Turkeys in Effort to Diversify Campus

By Andrew Schmidt  Fairfield University is now accepting turkeys as students in an effort to increase campus diversity. President Nemec's office released an official statement this morning, stating, "Turkeys have long been an important part of our campus family. It is time for them to become students as well." The widespread consensus on this is confusion, … Continue reading FU Opens Doors to Turkeys in Effort to Diversify Campus

Professor Questions Life After Student Takes Notes with Phone

By Nathan Schmidt English professor Tobias Falconet was left in a dizzying existential crisis today after a student in his class began taking notes on a smartphone. Dr. Falconet, whose courses all include a strict zero-tolerance policy against the use of “I-Phones, smart phones, and all similar items” in class, entered into his lecture for … Continue reading Professor Questions Life After Student Takes Notes with Phone

Writing Center Attendance Plummets After New Advertisement Terrifies Students

By Nathan Schmidt Over the past few weeks, the university’s Writing Center has suffered a major drop in attendance due to an attempt at advertisement gone disastrously awry. Posters have been put up around campus depicting a word search autocomplete, as on a phone, with answers that describe services offered by the Writing Center. While … Continue reading Writing Center Attendance Plummets After New Advertisement Terrifies Students

FUSA Elections Hacked by Russians

By Akaky Akakievich The game was rigged from the start. There was always talk of collusion, double counting, and unauthorized poster campaigns, but here at Stagnation we are here to produce the truth that it was in fact the Russians who hacked the FUSA election. The exact reason as to why the Russians wanted to … Continue reading FUSA Elections Hacked by Russians

Church Attendance Increases Tenfold on Weekend After Midterms

By Nathan Schmidt This past weekend, attendance of church services at the Egan Chapel on Fairfield campus increased to over ten times its usual number. As with such occasions as Christmas and Easter, numerous lay people who otherwise avoid church are compelled to attend during this span of time. But in this current case, the … Continue reading Church Attendance Increases Tenfold on Weekend After Midterms