By Nathan Schmidt
This month, the Stag Spirit Shop will begin helping students with life on campus by selling vodka blankets along with the regular cloth blankets. As fall turns to winter and the temperature drops outside, the one-stop shop for many resident students always becomes a prime resource for items related to the cold. Thus, in addition to the usual paraphernalia, a more direct and alcoholic method of warming the body has been direly called for.
The vodka blanket package, which consists of a 750 mL glass bottle of 80-proof liquor, is designed to fit smoothly into the Fairfield style. Its label features a playful cartoon of Lucas the Stag standing shirtless with hooves akimbo in a snowy landscape, cheerfully impervious to the biting cold around him. The bottle is recyclable, but students are free to reuse it as a water bottle in classes if they get tired of the ubiquitous Fairfield-labeled plastic CamelBak. Most importantly, drinking the entire bottle in one sitting will make any student just as invincible as Lucas is on the label, both against the cold and against literally anything else they might find objectionable in life.
“All I have to say is, finally!” exclaimed Alexi Thorsson ‘19, who has spent the past year repeatedly asking the Stag Store to begin stocking this item. After telling us all she had to say, Alexi then continued speaking. “I’ve had to bring my own vodka blanket in from off campus, which is not only time-consuming, but also gets me in all kinds of awkward trouble when I can’t drive back. I can guarantee you, a lot of students are going to be really happy that they won’t have to look outside Fairfield U for an essential like this.”
Students at or above the age of 21 will be able to purchase and enjoy their very own Fairfield University vodka blanket as soon as it hits shelves. Due to anticipated high demand, an option to pre-order will be available online.
Stagnation 