Lucas the Stag Excommunicated

By Nathan Schmidt Tragedy and scandal struck Fairfield University this week when its beloved mascot, Lucas the Stag, was excommunicated by the Vatican. The Jesuit university, which has long-held close ties to the Roman Catholic Church, has held Lucas as a lovable ideal of sportsmanship and loyalty, but an investigation by the Church revealed that … Continue reading Lucas the Stag Excommunicated

Campus Ministry Announces New Service Trip to Hunt and Kill the Antichrist

By Nathan Schmidt This week, Campus Ministry announced the creation of a new international service immersion trip designed to give Fairfield students the opportunity to hunt down and kill the Antichrist. The seven-day program, which will take students through key suspect locations in Rome and the Holy Land, will combine elements from Jesuit service learning, … Continue reading Campus Ministry Announces New Service Trip to Hunt and Kill the Antichrist

Naive Commuting Student Horrified by Stories of Residence Hall Life

By Nathan Schmidt A naive, wide-eyed commuting student was utterly horrified this week after hearing about the realities faced by those living in the residence halls. Sean Wimbledon ‘22, a freshman whose deepest taste of Fairfield University is the required events on campus for First Year Experience, listened in a mix of wondering awe and … Continue reading Naive Commuting Student Horrified by Stories of Residence Hall Life

Kavanaugh Fails Title IX Training

By Nathan Schmidt This week, an independent investigation revealed that Brett Kavanaugh received a failing score on his mandatory Title IX training. The training procedure, designed principally to increase awareness of the nature of sexual harassment and assault, turned out to entirely befuddle the Yale graduate and current judge, who had never heard of these … Continue reading Kavanaugh Fails Title IX Training

BREAKING: Dakota Needs Therapy Human

By Nathan Schmidt Fairfield University’s emotional support dog Dakota, located in Canisius Hall, has begun seeking treatment from a qualified therapy human after being burned out by the constant despair of her student visitors. Dakota, who has served the needs of students at the university since 2015, has finally been pushed to a breaking point of … Continue reading BREAKING: Dakota Needs Therapy Human

Fairfield Rising Unveils Plan for Leslie C. Quick Space Elevator

By Nathan Schmidt Today, Fairfield Rising officially announced plans to construct a state of the art space elevator on university property. Following the success of its numerous past and present projects, including the new Charles F. Dolan School of Business, 42 Langguth Hall, and the Egan School of Nursing and Health Studies, the capital campaign … Continue reading Fairfield Rising Unveils Plan for Leslie C. Quick Space Elevator