Due to Snow, Basketball Practice Held Over Zoom

By Nathan Schmidt This week, the heavy snowfall in Fairfield resulted in numerous in-person events moving onto Zoom — including the Fairfield Stags’ basketball practice. Each member of the basketball team was required to spend the entire practice session online with their video and audio turned on, practicing dribbling, passes and free throws inside their own … Continue reading Due to Snow, Basketball Practice Held Over Zoom

Confused Turkeys Quarantine Themselves In Library

By Nathan Schmidt The nightmare scenario has begun. In the wake of widespread quarantine and safety measures to protect against COVID-19, some of the turkeys on campus have taken it upon themselves to shelter in place until the crisis is over. Unfortunately, the building they have chosen for their quarantine is the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, which … Continue reading Confused Turkeys Quarantine Themselves In Library

Conspiracy Theorists Accuse LiveSafe App of Mind Control

By Nathan Schmidt This week, a viral article originally published by the Fairfield Patch has made the rounds in social media, accusing the LiveSafe phone app of mind-controlling its users. The app, used by Fairfield University for self-diagnosis of COVID-19 symptoms, is said to compel users against their will to diagnose themselves as being clean … Continue reading Conspiracy Theorists Accuse LiveSafe App of Mind Control

New FYE Connect Event Announced: “Making Invisible Friends”

By Nathan Schmidt This spring, Fairfield University has announced a brand-new FYE Connect event consisting of making new invisible friends for oneself. The event, billed as a Zoom seminar for first-year students, will be held this Sunday from dawn to dusk by a rotating staff of lonely RAs who haven’t told anyone to stop making … Continue reading New FYE Connect Event Announced: “Making Invisible Friends”

CAS Offers New Minor: Socialist Revolutionary Action

By Nathan Schmidt This week, the College of Arts and Sciences has announced a new minor, starting in spring 2021, for socialist revolutionary action. In the wake of other subversive and daring academic programs as seen in the Humanitarian Action minor and the Women, Gender and Sexuality Studies minor, the CAS has now moved directly … Continue reading CAS Offers New Minor: Socialist Revolutionary Action

With Students Gone, Nature Already Returning to the Quad

By Nathan Schmidt Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the last two weeks of classes this semester are being held entirely online. This choice has led to an early emptying-out of campus, and the few students left are describing the local environment as a “safari.” Their words are not an exaggeration. As has been seen in … Continue reading With Students Gone, Nature Already Returning to the Quad

Scandal Erupts When Campus Turkeys Refuse to Wear Masks

By Nathan Schmidt This semester, turkeys have bucked the trend once again. As part of the precautions against COVID-19, all students, faculty and staff on campus have been required to forevermore wear at least one mask over their face. But while the humans of Fairfield may be consigned to hide their faces under the new … Continue reading Scandal Erupts When Campus Turkeys Refuse to Wear Masks

History Department Re-Enacts “Game of Thrones” — 99 Dead

By Nathan Schmidt Calamity beyond reckoning struck Fairfield University this week when the history department re-enacted the HBO hit series “Game of Thrones” using student volunteers. The event, which had originally been intended as a socially-distanced history lesson, quickly spiraled out of control with stabbings, poisonings and scheming across the entire campus. Already, ninety-nine have … Continue reading History Department Re-Enacts “Game of Thrones” — 99 Dead

FEC Implements Presidential Tie-Breaker: Candidates to Read “Green Eggs and Ham,” First to Mess Up Loses

By Nathan Schmidt In the midst of the razor-thin margins of the 2020 presidential election, the Federal Election Commission has put into motion a new tie-breaking measure. Known as the “Seuss Test,” this measure consists of both candidates taking turns reading lines from Dr. Seuss’ classic children’s book Green Eggs and Ham, with the first … Continue reading FEC Implements Presidential Tie-Breaker: Candidates to Read “Green Eggs and Ham,” First to Mess Up Loses

Campus Solves Diversity Issues with Siddhartha Gautama Quote On Restroom Door

By Nathan Schmidt Fairfield University has finally solved its issues with student diversity for all time. This week, campus officials unveiled a new commemorative monument, in the form of a brass plaque on the door of an all-gender restroom on the ground floor of Donnarumma Hall. The plaque reads, “No one saves us but ourselves. … Continue reading Campus Solves Diversity Issues with Siddhartha Gautama Quote On Restroom Door