Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages

By Nathan Schmidt An unidentified man has been sighted in Fairfield University’s DiMenna-Nyselius Library every day for at least one week straight. Students have reacted with a mix of consternation and bewilderment, since the man doesn’t seem to do anything, and since he’s there all the time without exception. The nameless visitor has been likened … Continue reading Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages

Stag Spirit Shop Begins Selling Vodka Blankets Alongside Real Blankets

By Nathan Schmidt This month, the Stag Spirit Shop will begin helping students with life on campus by selling vodka blankets along with the regular cloth blankets. As fall turns to winter and the temperature drops outside, the one-stop shop for many resident students always becomes a prime resource for items related to the cold. … Continue reading Stag Spirit Shop Begins Selling Vodka Blankets Alongside Real Blankets

Freshman Makes It Known He’s Working Out by Grunting Loudly

By Nathan Schmidt A freshman student has perfected the art of grunting loudly during weight training to let everyone know he’s working out. Brett Igmalio ‘22, who is studying in the School of Business and proudly wears a bright yellow power tie with his tailored blazer at social functions, makes it vocally clear to all … Continue reading Freshman Makes It Known He’s Working Out by Grunting Loudly

Business Major Cleverly Minors in Finance

By Nathan Schmidt Faculty members at Fairfield University were left scratching their heads in wonder as a business major made the never-before-seen decision to minor in finance. Theodore Tayne ‘21, who is currently pursuing his sophomore year of education in the School of Business, has diversified his academic résumé with an unexpected, finance-based twist that … Continue reading Business Major Cleverly Minors in Finance

Investigation Finds Tuition Goes Entirely to Lawn Maintenance

By Nathan Schmidt In a scandalous turn of events, an investigative report discovered that Fairfield University’s entire revenue from tuition during the 2017-18 academic year has been directed towards lawn care on campus. The reporter, who asked to remain anonymous but may be a particularly bored member of the Stagnation team, found the quietly unreleased … Continue reading Investigation Finds Tuition Goes Entirely to Lawn Maintenance

Insane Daredevil Climbs Over Railing Between Bannow and BCC

By Nathan Schmidt Yesterday, a Fairfield University student brazenly defied all common sense and self-preservation by scaling the waist-high railing between the Bannow Science Center and the Barone Campus Center. The railing, which was installed presumably to protect passersby from being hit by trucks entering and leaving the BCC’s loading bay nearby, has long served … Continue reading Insane Daredevil Climbs Over Railing Between Bannow and BCC

Entire History Department Discovered to Have Turned into Statues

By Nathan Schmidt In an alarming turn of events, Fairfield University students have discovered that the entire faculty of the history department has spontaneously transformed from living beings into inanimate stone statues. Analysis by university officials concludes that the petrification occurred approximately two weeks ago, but nobody was able to notice a shift in behavior … Continue reading Entire History Department Discovered to Have Turned into Statues

Professor Questions Life After Student Takes Notes with Phone

By Nathan Schmidt English professor Tobias Falconet was left in a dizzying existential crisis today after a student in his class began taking notes on a smartphone. Dr. Falconet, whose courses all include a strict zero-tolerance policy against the use of “I-Phones, smart phones, and all similar items” in class, entered into his lecture for … Continue reading Professor Questions Life After Student Takes Notes with Phone

Writing Center Attendance Plummets After New Advertisement Terrifies Students

By Nathan Schmidt Over the past few weeks, the university’s Writing Center has suffered a major drop in attendance due to an attempt at advertisement gone disastrously awry. Posters have been put up around campus depicting a word search autocomplete, as on a phone, with answers that describe services offered by the Writing Center. While … Continue reading Writing Center Attendance Plummets After New Advertisement Terrifies Students

Church Attendance Increases Tenfold on Weekend After Midterms

By Nathan Schmidt This past weekend, attendance of church services at the Egan Chapel on Fairfield campus increased to over ten times its usual number. As with such occasions as Christmas and Easter, numerous lay people who otherwise avoid church are compelled to attend during this span of time. But in this current case, the … Continue reading Church Attendance Increases Tenfold on Weekend After Midterms