By Nathan Schmidt
Bad news, everybody. I’ve made a terrible mistake.
We go with the flow at this club. It happens that most Stagnation writers use a pseudonym of some kind to protect their identities as satire writers, generally from future employers and their own family members. I assumed, over the past three academic years of writing for this publication, that someone would have designed a pseudonym for me as well.
Sadly, I was mistaken, and now my name is tethered to every single bad joke on this website, including the truly iniquitous list of digs at the bronze stag statue. To anyone who has seen it in person: you know what I am talking about.
Therefore, I regret to announce that as of the end of this semester, I am resigning from my position as Editor-in-Chief of Stagnation. I move on now to greener pastures, most likely with the same middle-school level of humor that has kept us from ever taking our own education seriously.
To the six or so regular readers of Stagnation, I say thank you. You have made all of this effort worthwhile for me. We are here to bring joy to Fairfield campus and beyond.
To any future readers of this article, I say please have mercy. Quite possibly, you are reading this because you searched for my name online, and it led you straight here. If you happen to be considering hiring me at your institution, remember that I also had the nerve to put my work here on my resumé.
And to my fellow writers, I say worry not — you are in good hands. My last act as Editor-in-Chief will be to purchase a pair of novelty Groucho Marx glasses to protect my successor’s identity in public appearances.
Farewell, Stags. And stay exactly as classy as you are right now.