By Rosemary Harper A rare outage from the popular music streaming platform Spotify caused introverts and gym bros alike to live their worst nightmare- a little over an hour of a musicless existence. At around 1:10pm EST on Tuesday March 8th, when thousands of users were logged out of their accounts, Fairfield U students began … Continue reading Spotify Outage Causes Chaos and Panic on Campus
Category: Crime Feat
Stagnation Cancelled?! Competitive Conspiracies Afoot?
by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - After the latest COSO Academy, it was declared that Stagnation would be indefinitely suspended until Fairfield University shuts down. “Look, I’ll be real with you,” President Tammi Borami ‘24 of the Old Yellers Club, “When we saw those bigwigs on those ‘Stagnation’ guys, I knew that they really screwed … Continue reading Stagnation Cancelled?! Competitive Conspiracies Afoot?
Fairfield University Sued By Paul McCartney; Student Band Plagiarizing Entire Beatles Albums
By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium GREENS - The Fairfield student-led band “The Staggles” are under a class-action lawsuit from the McCartney estate after numerous onlookers realized their performance was ripped from the “Abbey Road” album. “They just called it ‘She Came In Through The Regis Window’, can you believe it?” Fairfield resident Paul Blarsky stated, “Absolutely … Continue reading Fairfield University Sued By Paul McCartney; Student Band Plagiarizing Entire Beatles Albums
Stagnation Replaces The Mirror as University Publication; U.S Government Sues For Libel
Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - Fairfield University suffers countless lawsuits after putting its satire newspaper Stagnation as main publisher. Last week, COSO decided that in order to secure more money for clubs, The Mirror would be shut down to supply the Weaselmen Society with the needed resources for “the emergency not-gambling charity event funding.” “Hey, … Continue reading Stagnation Replaces The Mirror as University Publication; U.S Government Sues For Libel
Students Expelled For Breathing in the Library
By Rosemary Harper 26 students have been permanently expelled from Fairfield U after breathing in the library- causing excruciating noise levels of 10db. Norah Noravnovski, head librarian and head of 0 db maintenance, was admitted to the hospital for ruptured eardrums after a sharp increase in noise from zero to 10 db levels that lasted … Continue reading Students Expelled For Breathing in the Library
Students Notice Drop in Quality of “Chicken Tenders” in Tully, DPS Notice Reports of Missing Turkeys
by Richard “Richie” Swett Gamey taste and blandness has been reported in Chicken tenders in the campus cafeteria! Fairfield University’s beloved campus turkeys have had a drop in sightings recently. DPS has told Stagnation reporters that they had taken note of this and started regular patrols targeting turkey theft. Fairfield U’s Tully cafeteria patrons have … Continue reading Students Notice Drop in Quality of “Chicken Tenders” in Tully, DPS Notice Reports of Missing Turkeys
Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers
By Nathan Schmidt An investigative report by Stagnation over the last six months has revealed economic ruination in Fairfield University’s black market for dry-erase markers. With students moving online for some or all of their classes, the once-thriving illicit trade for the Expo brand markers has become the latest casualty of the COVID-19 pandemic. The … Continue reading Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers
Biology Students Caught Smoking Weed Claim it was for Their “Senior Seminar”
By Pete Peterson Money and drugs have caused another conundrum at Fairfield University, only this time cheap cocaine and dead hookers were not involved. This past weekend, two juniors were found with approximately a pound of marijuana in their townhouse. They were caught after a RA noticed the pungent odor of some dank ass indica … Continue reading Biology Students Caught Smoking Weed Claim it was for Their “Senior Seminar”
Cowboy Event Rustled; Rubber Band Shootout Leads to Death
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium The Quad - Fairfield University is currently under fire for the death of Tom McCaw ‘23 in a rubber band duel. Many students on the scene were disturbed by the incident, although this did not stop the medical professionals from stifling a few giggles. Originally, McCaw had engaged in a duel … Continue reading Cowboy Event Rustled; Rubber Band Shootout Leads to Death
Professor Gets Away With Heist, Robbing the University of $100,000
By Mike Wishart Ladies and gentlemen. We as a collective community have been duped. One hundred thousand dollars were stolen right from under our noses. How was this done? How could somebody have taken such a large sum of money from our beloved university without anybody noticing? I know what you may be thinking. Were … Continue reading Professor Gets Away With Heist, Robbing the University of $100,000
Stagnation 