By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
The Quad – Fairfield University is currently under fire for the death of Tom McCaw ‘23 in a rubber band duel. Many students on the scene were disturbed by the incident, although this did not stop the medical professionals from stifling a few giggles. Originally, McCaw had engaged in a duel with another student Ian Clinte ‘22 in light of the Wild West Halloween event. During their pacing, McCaw turned around to respond to a DPS officer for not wearing a mask, only to get shot in the forehead by McCaw.
“I didn’t know these things could kill,” said Clinte. “Now I know I got the power.”
“We haven’t tried this hard to stop laughing since that time [McCaw] was stuck in a locked car,” commented Vince Meetz as he boarded McCaw into the ambulance. Of course, this was prior to McCaw being declared dead later on.
The University is declaring a temporary shut-down in regards to how they’ll respond to rubber bands on campus. As parent Damien DeFoe believes, the rubber band dilemma “is an issue that needs to be addressed immediately”, claiming that “[he] could have killed his young son when they played Cops and Robbers”. Staff has been unable to respond to current charges over whether the rubber band counted as a firearm, and this case may be taken to state court.
Stagnation 