By Pete Peterson
As the upcoming election looms over our heads, the talk of both candidates’ mental and physical health has been at the forefront of many people’s minds. After President Trump contracted the coronavirus, those talks increased exponentially. His health obviously deteriorated from the virus, so I think it’s time I say what everyone else has been thinking: I one hundred percent believe that I could probably beat Trump in a one-on-one game to eleven. Now I know what you’re saying: “Pete, Trump is thicc AF, he’s definitely got some post moves-a-la Charles Barkley.” Well to that I say Charles Barkley and I have the same amount of NBA Championship rings, so I’m not too worried about the Chuck comparisons. Here are the three reasons why 45 would get 21-skunked against me:
- Trump doesn’t study film (SAD!). The president has publicly announced seven or eight times that he has stopped watching the NBA since the league announced they care about Black people. I, as a non-racist person, have not stopped watching the best players in the world duel it out against each other on a nightly basis. This gives me the advantage of learning from the gods of the game. While I have heard that binge watching FOX News is the second best way to learn about basketball, LeBron has a slight edge over Hannity in the athletic department.
- I’ve read The Art of the Deal 32 times. I have more real estate in Trump’s head than Putin could ever promise Trump in Russia. His every move will be countered by my ability to be three steps ahead of his own brain. Not only that, but I can literally sell him on every one of my moves, and he’ll buy them like he buys wives.
- I’m fairly confident that Trump can’t count. His history with numbers is not a great one. A few times now he has been slightly off when telling the press about the number of COVID cases, he seems to forget he has (at least) four more children than Ivanka, and sometimes he confuses fourteen with eighteen. All I have to do is tell him the wrong score and he’ll have no idea.
In conclusion, Trump doesn’t have a fighting chance. Game… blouses.