By Marvin Irwin In the midst of the uncertainty that clouds the country today, businesses across America are struggling and universities are not immune. Colleges are struggling to drive up applicants due to the lifestyle that college students must adhere to due to the COVID-19 pandemic. For some inexplicable reason, students and their parents are … Continue reading Lucas the Stag Launches OnlyFans Account
Month: November 2020
Fairfield Students Form New ‘TSA’ Club: Turkey-Student Alliance
April Griffin A new club has made its way to Fairfield's vast array of extracurriculars: the Turkey-Student Alliance club. Founder Jimmy Gallagher says he created the club to make the turkeys feel welcomed on Fairfield's campus. "In my three years at Fairfield so far, I have not once seen anyone be nice to the turkeys," … Continue reading Fairfield Students Form New ‘TSA’ Club: Turkey-Student Alliance
Scandal Erupts When Campus Turkeys Refuse to Wear Masks
By Nathan Schmidt This semester, turkeys have bucked the trend once again. As part of the precautions against COVID-19, all students, faculty and staff on campus have been required to forevermore wear at least one mask over their face. But while the humans of Fairfield may be consigned to hide their faces under the new … Continue reading Scandal Erupts When Campus Turkeys Refuse to Wear Masks
“Sex? That’s ridiculous,” Remarks Health Center Official; Also, Second Coming Confirmed From Pregnant Student
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium EGAN CHAPEL - Dr. Ivan Ron Butterfly of the Student Health Center swatted away numerous members of the Vatican arriving in Fairfield University after Yohelma Hewahn ‘22 was reported to have the fetus of Jesus Christ reborn. The news of this revelation came after a conference with parents over the university’s … Continue reading “Sex? That’s ridiculous,” Remarks Health Center Official; Also, Second Coming Confirmed From Pregnant Student
History Department Re-Enacts “Game of Thrones” — 99 Dead
By Nathan Schmidt Calamity beyond reckoning struck Fairfield University this week when the history department re-enacted the HBO hit series “Game of Thrones” using student volunteers. The event, which had originally been intended as a socially-distanced history lesson, quickly spiraled out of control with stabbings, poisonings and scheming across the entire campus. Already, ninety-nine have … Continue reading History Department Re-Enacts “Game of Thrones” — 99 Dead
First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President
By Rosemary Harper 2020 is full of unprecedented situations and circumstances- and we here at Fairfield University have just been smacked in the face with another one. As the molasses of the 2020 Presidential Election continues to take its sweet, sweet time, first year student Brett Jarrods '24 has decided to follow Donald Trump’s example … Continue reading First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President
Stop the count! Students Attempt Presidential Method For Grading
By Marvin Irwin “Stop the count!” If you have said this phrase at some point during the past week or so, it is unlikely that you are able to read or pick up on satire. Since you are reading Stagnation, it is unlikely that this phrase is something you would have said. After Prisoner-Elect Donald … Continue reading Stop the count! Students Attempt Presidential Method For Grading
University Announces “Ultra-Flexible” Course Model for Spring 2021
By Rosemary Harper This fall, Fairfield U has had to adapt its curriculum to the COVID-19 pandemic. As a result, we’ve had confusing new terms thrown at us this year like “hybrid,” “online,” and “the mute button,” which are much more difficult to understand than things from the peachy, virus-free days. As it has become … Continue reading University Announces “Ultra-Flexible” Course Model for Spring 2021
FEC Implements Presidential Tie-Breaker: Candidates to Read “Green Eggs and Ham,” First to Mess Up Loses
By Nathan Schmidt In the midst of the razor-thin margins of the 2020 presidential election, the Federal Election Commission has put into motion a new tie-breaking measure. Known as the “Seuss Test,” this measure consists of both candidates taking turns reading lines from Dr. Seuss’ classic children’s book Green Eggs and Ham, with the first … Continue reading FEC Implements Presidential Tie-Breaker: Candidates to Read “Green Eggs and Ham,” First to Mess Up Loses
Cowboy Event Rustled; Rubber Band Shootout Leads to Death
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium The Quad - Fairfield University is currently under fire for the death of Tom McCaw ‘23 in a rubber band duel. Many students on the scene were disturbed by the incident, although this did not stop the medical professionals from stifling a few giggles. Originally, McCaw had engaged in a duel … Continue reading Cowboy Event Rustled; Rubber Band Shootout Leads to Death
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