Chapel Replaces Communion Wine with Vodka and Grape Fanta

By Pete Peterson Businesses have struggled since the pandemic began last March, and not even churches could escape the crash.  Although the Catholics have mostly avoided any new child-fondling instances, the Pope was forced to make business decisions to turn the stock back in the direction of the big man upstairs (and Gamestop).  Stagnation talked … Continue reading Chapel Replaces Communion Wine with Vodka and Grape Fanta

Fairfield Priest Demands to Know What ‘Updog’ Is

By Nathan Schmidt Students were unsettled this week when Jesuit priest Rube Marky was spotted wandering campus and asking students what ‘Updog’ is. The priest, known affectionately to the student body as Father “Total” Rube, went from Jogues to Faber asking this same question over and over again: What exactly is this ‘Updog’ everyone is … Continue reading Fairfield Priest Demands to Know What ‘Updog’ Is

Lucas the Stag Launches OnlyFans Account

By Marvin Irwin In the midst of the uncertainty that clouds the country today, businesses across America are struggling and universities are not immune. Colleges are struggling to drive up applicants due to the lifestyle that college students must adhere to due to the COVID-19 pandemic. For some inexplicable reason, students and their parents are … Continue reading Lucas the Stag Launches OnlyFans Account

Coronacation: Examen Statue Has Moved Apart For Social Distancing

By Nathan Schmidt This week, in keeping with the new social distancing guidelines for the COVID-19 pandemic, the figures of the Examen statue on campus have moved six feet apart from each other. The twin statue, depicting two images of St. Ignatius facing each other at close distance, has stood in front of the Egan … Continue reading Coronacation: Examen Statue Has Moved Apart For Social Distancing

Student Accidentally Calls Priest “Daddy” Instead of “Father”

By Mike Wishart Things took a turn for the kinky this past Sunday when a student made an unfortunate error while addressing one of the University’s priests. As the parishioners attending the 11 a.m. mass filed out of the chapel, they bid farewell to the priest leading the mass saying “Thank you, Father.” But one … Continue reading Student Accidentally Calls Priest “Daddy” Instead of “Father”

“Talking Statue” of Pope Francis Accused of Debauchery

By Nathan Schmidt Scandal erupted in the Barone Campus Center this week when students made allegations of debauchery against the statue of Pope Francis underneath the Tully Dining Commons. The so-called “talking statue,” meant to stimulate spiritual dialogue, features a large hollow base that students can insert handwritten notes into to help share their ideas. … Continue reading “Talking Statue” of Pope Francis Accused of Debauchery

Campus Ministry Sentences Atheist Student to Being Awkwardly Shunned by Catholic Peers

By Nathan Schmidt This week, Campus Ministry delivered a punishing sentence upon a student found guilty of atheism, condemning her to be awkwardly shunned by her Catholic peers. The student, Samantha Leon ‘22, was discovered to be atheist after one of her friends asked if she ever goes to Mass, whereupon she replied by revealing … Continue reading Campus Ministry Sentences Atheist Student to Being Awkwardly Shunned by Catholic Peers

Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House

By Nathan Schmidt Scandal embroiled Fairfield University this week when a pagan cult was discovered operating out of Dolan House. The venerable building, traditionally the home of the Murphy Center for Ignatian Spirituality, was found to be the operating site of a cabal of students and faculty performing bloody animal sacrifice and mystical polytheistic worship. … Continue reading Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House