By Nathan Schmidt
Students were unsettled this week when Jesuit priest Rube Marky was spotted wandering campus and asking students what ‘Updog’ is. The priest, known affectionately to the student body as Father “Total” Rube, went from Jogues to Faber asking this same question over and over again: What exactly is this ‘Updog’ everyone is talking about?
It started with an innocuous mention by first year student Sean Jurassic ‘24 of something called “fresh top-quality Updog,” and it went from there. Since then, Father Rube has allegedly heard of “some Updog on his shirt,” “buying Updog for Easter,” and “worshiping the one true Updog.” His consternation has only grown over time.
In an interview with Stagnation reporters who used their masks to deftly conceal how hard they were struggling to keep straight faces, Father Rube said, “I simply want to know what confounded secret is behind this strange ‘Updog’ phenomenon. Is it a pet care service? An internet mey-mey? A subversive political movement? I want nothing more than a straight answer. What is the nature of ‘Updog’?”
Afterward, business student Laurie McLister ‘22 said to the same reporters, “I’m good to just let this keep going until he figures it out.”
Still, Father Rube sees no end in sight, especially since he was seemingly born in the wrong generation to realize that he can search anything on Google using his phone. The priest seems to be convinced that ‘Updog’ is some dangerous, un-Jesuit phenomenon, perhaps a plot to remove the bedrock Ignatian values from campus. Further, in Father Rube’s mind, only he seems to care that the issue persists — which means he will likely keep investigating until someone mentions ‘Grabahan’ to him.