Fairfield University Sued By Paul McCartney; Student Band Plagiarizing Entire Beatles Albums

By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium  GREENS - The Fairfield student-led band “The Staggles” are under a class-action lawsuit from the McCartney estate after numerous onlookers realized their performance was ripped from the “Abbey Road” album. “They just called it ‘She Came In Through The Regis Window’, can you believe it?” Fairfield resident Paul Blarsky stated, “Absolutely … Continue reading Fairfield University Sued By Paul McCartney; Student Band Plagiarizing Entire Beatles Albums

YikYak Users Dismayed to Find Positive Comments on App; “Where’s the Bad Funnies?”

ITS - Numerous students have gathered at the ITS department after multiple reports concerning YikYak accumulating since yesterday. At the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, the main floor is more of a battleground than usual. “I’m not smiling!” screamed Yonda Twoscun ‘23, “I want to laugh at my university, not laugh with it!” Multiple students had begun banging … Continue reading YikYak Users Dismayed to Find Positive Comments on App; “Where’s the Bad Funnies?”

Alumni Family Weekend Abruptly Cuts Following Band Being Minors

Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium REGIS - Fairfield Alumni and parents are outraged at the University following the appearance  of the Adults at Alumni Family Weekend. Much to everyone’s horror, the Adults turned out to be minors around the age of 12. “I like playing my guitar,” said Jimmy Shareden, “My mom bought my guitar. Do you … Continue reading Alumni Family Weekend Abruptly Cuts Following Band Being Minors

Stagnation Replaces The Mirror as University Publication; U.S Government Sues For Libel

Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - Fairfield University suffers countless lawsuits after putting its satire newspaper Stagnation as main publisher. Last week, COSO decided that in order to secure more money for clubs, The Mirror would be shut down to supply the Weaselmen Society with the needed resources for “the emergency not-gambling charity event funding.” “Hey, … Continue reading Stagnation Replaces The Mirror as University Publication; U.S Government Sues For Libel

Fairfield Introduces Hunger Games Style Events to Solve Limited Housing in Freshmen Buildings

by April Griffin Fairfield’s Class of 2025 has the highest total enrolment to date. As a result, housing options have become incredibly scarce and the university had to get creative to solve their lack of space. The university is now implementing “Hunger Games” style events in order to solve their issue. “It definitely wasn’t our … Continue reading Fairfield Introduces Hunger Games Style Events to Solve Limited Housing in Freshmen Buildings

Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag 

Freddie “Quickie” Mercuirum BARONE - Hollywood Reporter followed Fairfield University’s esteemed mascot Lucas T. Stag as famous actor Scarlett Johansson approached the mascot with a big offer. “Lucas Tiberius Stag,” Johnansson said, “I want you to play in my upcoming biopic.” Reporters hounded Stag as DPS gave him an opportunity to run out the third … Continue reading Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag 

Presball DJ Revealed to be Time Traveler from 2013

by Pepper Pippins Stagnation reporters have uncovered the truth about the DJ at the 2021 Presidential Ball. Last Friday marked the first major on campus event since the start of the Covid19 pandemic. Students expected to encounter covid related limitations, however there was one thing that no one expected. All the music was at least … Continue reading Presball DJ Revealed to be Time Traveler from 2013

Numerous Students Gone Missing After Pres Ball; Authorities Brush Off as Students Partying Hard

Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BELLARMINE - Sunday morning, authorities are on the lookout for several missing students following the Presidential Ball. Despite the enormous turnout for freshmen and higher, all attendees disappeared under unknown circumstances.  “It’s just the way these college kids roll,” DPS Officer Jim Jambo stated Saturday, “First, they get absolutely black-out drunk. Then, … Continue reading Numerous Students Gone Missing After Pres Ball; Authorities Brush Off as Students Partying Hard

Students Expelled For Breathing in the Library 

By Rosemary Harper 26 students have been permanently expelled from Fairfield U after breathing in the library- causing excruciating  noise levels of 10db. Norah Noravnovski, head librarian and head of 0 db maintenance, was admitted to the hospital for ruptured eardrums after a sharp increase in noise from zero to 10 db levels that lasted … Continue reading Students Expelled For Breathing in the Library 

Students Notice Drop in Quality of “Chicken Tenders” in Tully, DPS Notice Reports of Missing Turkeys

by Richard “Richie” Swett Gamey taste and blandness has been reported in Chicken tenders in the campus cafeteria! Fairfield University’s beloved campus turkeys have had a drop in sightings recently. DPS has told Stagnation reporters that they had taken note of this and started regular patrols targeting turkey theft. Fairfield U’s Tully cafeteria patrons have … Continue reading Students Notice Drop in Quality of “Chicken Tenders” in Tully, DPS Notice Reports of Missing Turkeys