Conspiracy Theorists Accuse LiveSafe App of Mind Control

By Nathan Schmidt This week, a viral article originally published by the Fairfield Patch has made the rounds in social media, accusing the LiveSafe phone app of mind-controlling its users. The app, used by Fairfield University for self-diagnosis of COVID-19 symptoms, is said to compel users against their will to diagnose themselves as being clean … Continue reading Conspiracy Theorists Accuse LiveSafe App of Mind Control

Stagnation Bought Out By Dunkin Donuts; Rebranded as Staggin’ Nations

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Due to an issue with budgeting, Stagnation came close to shutting down this spring — and we would have, had it not been for the generous aid of Dunkin’ Donuts. Of course, this hasn’t been without some sort of repayment. Every article from here on out will include some form of … Continue reading Stagnation Bought Out By Dunkin Donuts; Rebranded as Staggin’ Nations

Biology Students Caught Smoking Weed Claim it was for Their “Senior Seminar”

By Pete Peterson Money and drugs have caused another conundrum at Fairfield University, only this time cheap cocaine and dead hookers were not involved.  This past weekend, two juniors were found with approximately a pound of marijuana in their townhouse.  They were caught after a RA noticed the pungent odor of some dank ass indica … Continue reading Biology Students Caught Smoking Weed Claim it was for Their “Senior Seminar”

New FYE Connect Event Announced: “Making Invisible Friends”

By Nathan Schmidt This spring, Fairfield University has announced a brand-new FYE Connect event consisting of making new invisible friends for oneself. The event, billed as a Zoom seminar for first-year students, will be held this Sunday from dawn to dusk by a rotating staff of lonely RAs who haven’t told anyone to stop making … Continue reading New FYE Connect Event Announced: “Making Invisible Friends”

CAS Offers New Minor: Socialist Revolutionary Action

By Nathan Schmidt This week, the College of Arts and Sciences has announced a new minor, starting in spring 2021, for socialist revolutionary action. In the wake of other subversive and daring academic programs as seen in the Humanitarian Action minor and the Women, Gender and Sexuality Studies minor, the CAS has now moved directly … Continue reading CAS Offers New Minor: Socialist Revolutionary Action

March of the Penguins Vs. The Army of Turkeys; Morgan Freeman Killed in Crossfire

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium DONNARUMMA - Outside in the circle, the six-hour war amongst penguin and turkeykind was negotiated after the fall of Morgan Freeman, the god of penguinkind. As both parties parted ways, they made sure to harass anyone left on campus. At approximately 9:30 am, a waddle of penguins arrived on campus with … Continue reading March of the Penguins Vs. The Army of Turkeys; Morgan Freeman Killed in Crossfire

With Students Gone, Nature Already Returning to the Quad

By Nathan Schmidt Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the last two weeks of classes this semester are being held entirely online. This choice has led to an early emptying-out of campus, and the few students left are describing the local environment as a “safari.” Their words are not an exaggeration. As has been seen in … Continue reading With Students Gone, Nature Already Returning to the Quad

Lucas the Stag Launches OnlyFans Account

By Marvin Irwin In the midst of the uncertainty that clouds the country today, businesses across America are struggling and universities are not immune. Colleges are struggling to drive up applicants due to the lifestyle that college students must adhere to due to the COVID-19 pandemic. For some inexplicable reason, students and their parents are … Continue reading Lucas the Stag Launches OnlyFans Account

Fairfield Students Form New ‘TSA’ Club: Turkey-Student Alliance

April Griffin A new club has made its way to Fairfield's vast array of extracurriculars: the Turkey-Student Alliance club. Founder Jimmy Gallagher says he created the club to make the turkeys feel welcomed on Fairfield's campus. "In my three years at Fairfield so far, I have not once seen anyone be nice to the turkeys," … Continue reading Fairfield Students Form New ‘TSA’ Club: Turkey-Student Alliance

Scandal Erupts When Campus Turkeys Refuse to Wear Masks

By Nathan Schmidt This semester, turkeys have bucked the trend once again. As part of the precautions against COVID-19, all students, faculty and staff on campus have been required to forevermore wear at least one mask over their face. But while the humans of Fairfield may be consigned to hide their faces under the new … Continue reading Scandal Erupts When Campus Turkeys Refuse to Wear Masks