Stagnation Battle For Role of Editor-in-Chief; Winner Declared Within Remains of Alumni Hall

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium

FORMERLY ALUMNI HALL – The winner of Stagnation declared herself amongst the rubble of the demolished Alumni Hall, clutching the former Editor-in-Chief as she gave a victory screech.

“Yeah, anyway, I’m head of Stagnation now,” Claire E. T. Nunn ‘24 reported calmly, “I guess it’s cool.”

During the demolition of Alumni Hall, the staff of Egan Chapel failed to notify construction crews and Fairfield personnel in general that the hall had been housing the spirit of Former U.S President Theodore Roosevelt. When asked about how Roosevelt came to Alumni Hall, staff member Kevin Doylie simply stated they won it in a game of poker with the Grim Reaper.

“We’re going to be completely honest, none of us were serious about Roosevelt,” Doylie told Stagnation, “We would’ve asked for the cure for cancer instead.”

According to DPS officers and ghost-hunting enthusiast student, Roosevelt decided to hold a duel amongst the Stagnation staff for the role of president. Apparently, Roosevelt had not understood the difference between President of the United States and Club President. Needless to say, all club members save for yours truly engaged in an all-out fistfight with each other and Roosevelt’s spirit.

With that out of the way, we’ll be happy to see you all next year. And make sure to vote for Roosevelt in the upcoming FUSA elections!

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