Stagnation Cancelled?! Competitive Conspiracies Afoot?

by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - After the latest COSO Academy, it was declared that Stagnation would be indefinitely suspended until Fairfield University shuts down. “Look, I’ll be real with you,” President Tammi Borami ‘24 of the Old Yellers Club, “When we saw those bigwigs on those ‘Stagnation’ guys, I knew that they really screwed … Continue reading Stagnation Cancelled?! Competitive Conspiracies Afoot?

Fairfield University Sued By Paul McCartney; Student Band Plagiarizing Entire Beatles Albums

By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium  GREENS - The Fairfield student-led band “The Staggles” are under a class-action lawsuit from the McCartney estate after numerous onlookers realized their performance was ripped from the “Abbey Road” album. “They just called it ‘She Came In Through The Regis Window’, can you believe it?” Fairfield resident Paul Blarsky stated, “Absolutely … Continue reading Fairfield University Sued By Paul McCartney; Student Band Plagiarizing Entire Beatles Albums

YikYak Users Dismayed to Find Positive Comments on App; “Where’s the Bad Funnies?”

ITS - Numerous students have gathered at the ITS department after multiple reports concerning YikYak accumulating since yesterday. At the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, the main floor is more of a battleground than usual. “I’m not smiling!” screamed Yonda Twoscun ‘23, “I want to laugh at my university, not laugh with it!” Multiple students had begun banging … Continue reading YikYak Users Dismayed to Find Positive Comments on App; “Where’s the Bad Funnies?”

Alumni Family Weekend Abruptly Cuts Following Band Being Minors

Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium REGIS - Fairfield Alumni and parents are outraged at the University following the appearance  of the Adults at Alumni Family Weekend. Much to everyone’s horror, the Adults turned out to be minors around the age of 12. “I like playing my guitar,” said Jimmy Shareden, “My mom bought my guitar. Do you … Continue reading Alumni Family Weekend Abruptly Cuts Following Band Being Minors

Stagnation Replaces The Mirror as University Publication; U.S Government Sues For Libel

Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - Fairfield University suffers countless lawsuits after putting its satire newspaper Stagnation as main publisher. Last week, COSO decided that in order to secure more money for clubs, The Mirror would be shut down to supply the Weaselmen Society with the needed resources for “the emergency not-gambling charity event funding.” “Hey, … Continue reading Stagnation Replaces The Mirror as University Publication; U.S Government Sues For Libel

Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag 

Freddie “Quickie” Mercuirum BARONE - Hollywood Reporter followed Fairfield University’s esteemed mascot Lucas T. Stag as famous actor Scarlett Johansson approached the mascot with a big offer. “Lucas Tiberius Stag,” Johnansson said, “I want you to play in my upcoming biopic.” Reporters hounded Stag as DPS gave him an opportunity to run out the third … Continue reading Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag 

Numerous Students Gone Missing After Pres Ball; Authorities Brush Off as Students Partying Hard

Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BELLARMINE - Sunday morning, authorities are on the lookout for several missing students following the Presidential Ball. Despite the enormous turnout for freshmen and higher, all attendees disappeared under unknown circumstances.  “It’s just the way these college kids roll,” DPS Officer Jim Jambo stated Saturday, “First, they get absolutely black-out drunk. Then, … Continue reading Numerous Students Gone Missing After Pres Ball; Authorities Brush Off as Students Partying Hard

FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore

by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium  BARONE - Numerous student organizations are furious following the leaks on The Mirror by an anonymous source. The most eye-catching detail? A group-photo of the FUSA Senate having lunch with Former Vice President Al Gore with traces of cocaine on their nostrils. “It’s outrageous,” Fabian Glutte ‘23, President of the Satirical … Continue reading FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore

Stagnation Battle For Role of Editor-in-Chief; Winner Declared Within Remains of Alumni Hall

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium FORMERLY ALUMNI HALL - The winner of Stagnation declared herself amongst the rubble of the demolished Alumni Hall, clutching the former Editor-in-Chief as she gave a victory screech. “Yeah, anyway, I’m head of Stagnation now,” Claire E. T. Nunn ‘24 reported calmly, “I guess it’s cool.” During the demolition of Alumni … Continue reading Stagnation Battle For Role of Editor-in-Chief; Winner Declared Within Remains of Alumni Hall

StagsTV Announces New Kids Program; Plans Quickly Cancelled

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium MEDIA CENTER - Reagen Ruskie ‘23 has canceled all plans for the StagsTV Kids block following backlashes against the new direction taken by the show. “We did segments about how cool our dorms looked,” complained Bianca Steppenoutte ‘19, “And now we’re just doing some weird Wiggles crap? Trash.” Potential programs such … Continue reading StagsTV Announces New Kids Program; Plans Quickly Cancelled