Stagnation Battle For Role of Editor-in-Chief; Winner Declared Within Remains of Alumni Hall

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium FORMERLY ALUMNI HALL - The winner of Stagnation declared herself amongst the rubble of the demolished Alumni Hall, clutching the former Editor-in-Chief as she gave a victory screech. “Yeah, anyway, I’m head of Stagnation now,” Claire E. T. Nunn ‘24 reported calmly, “I guess it’s cool.” During the demolition of Alumni … Continue reading Stagnation Battle For Role of Editor-in-Chief; Winner Declared Within Remains of Alumni Hall

StagsTV Announces New Kids Program; Plans Quickly Cancelled

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium MEDIA CENTER - Reagen Ruskie ‘23 has canceled all plans for the StagsTV Kids block following backlashes against the new direction taken by the show. “We did segments about how cool our dorms looked,” complained Bianca Steppenoutte ‘19, “And now we’re just doing some weird Wiggles crap? Trash.” Potential programs such … Continue reading StagsTV Announces New Kids Program; Plans Quickly Cancelled

Philosophy and English Combined Under New Pataphysics Course

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium After much confusion and discord between Philosophy and English faculty, both departments now have a new course that covers common ground: pataphysics. “I have to admit, I was just joking around when I suggested that,” said Professor Lazlo Gorman, a guest professor from Sacred Heart University, “I didn’t think you stag-smartasses … Continue reading Philosophy and English Combined Under New Pataphysics Course

Disney Announces New “Star Wars” Trilogy Directed by Tim Burton

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium This week, Disney announced that director Tim Burton will be directing a remake of the original Star Wars trilogy. While fans remain rabid over this decision, many longtime Tim Burton fans are requesting numerous changes to better fit the roles such as Danny DeVito playing Darth Vader and Winona Ryder as … Continue reading Disney Announces New “Star Wars” Trilogy Directed by Tim Burton

Stags TV show “Lucas ‘N Me” Cancelled Following Chick-fil-A Scandal

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium MEDIA CENTER - Writers of the now-defunct “Lucas ‘N Me” project protest outside the Levee following an outrageous scandal that led to its cancellation. The scandal in question refers to pictures of Lucas the Stag involved with Chick-fil-A employee Justin Tymme with documents of unknown nature sprawled across a table at … Continue reading Stags TV show “Lucas ‘N Me” Cancelled Following Chick-fil-A Scandal

Jim Carrey Joins Marvel Cinematic Universe; Set to replace multiple characters as “Marvel Carrey Universe”

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Famed actor Jim Carrey was confirmed to be part of Marvel’s Phase Four initiative for its cinematic universe. Screenwriter Obladi Oblada talked in an exclusive interview with Stagnation concerning this action with staff writer Frederick Mercurium. The interview was held on Janurary 15th, the premiere of the new Disney+ show, Wandavision. … Continue reading Jim Carrey Joins Marvel Cinematic Universe; Set to replace multiple characters as “Marvel Carrey Universe”

Lucas The Stag Removed From Campus For Public Health

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium REC-PLEX - Lucas The Stag, Fairfield University’s famous mascot was carted away by the Fairfield Public Health Department following an email concerning a possible new COVID-19 strain or new virus altogether. On Lucas’s Twitter, he tweeted that he was “spreading it all over campus,” and that “soon everyone [would] be positive.” … Continue reading Lucas The Stag Removed From Campus For Public Health

Zombie Virus Outbreak on Campus; Students Believe Otherwise

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium GONZAGA - Dr. Eugene Trevors of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention came to the university to discuss a mutated strain of the COVID-19 virus present on campus. As he explained cautiously what to do, first year student Cody Zachary stood up and claimed otherwise.“You’re obviously lying,” claimed Zachary, “Just … Continue reading Zombie Virus Outbreak on Campus; Students Believe Otherwise

University Transfer Student Lost in America; Fairfield Staff Under Heavy Fire

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Barone Campus Center - The parents of would-be student Michael Varro continue contacting their son as Fairfield officials are in contact with the authorities of Fairfield, New York.“How could this Jesuit academy mess up a destination?” cried Mrs. Judy Varro as she continuously attempted to get into contact with her son. … Continue reading University Transfer Student Lost in America; Fairfield Staff Under Heavy Fire

Food Trucks Cause COVID Outbreak; Students Report Totally Worth It

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Staff member Loretta Palms watched as DPS officers reprimanded the owners of food trucks that have recently proven to have sold contaminated food. This scandal occurred shortly after Move-In Day, as vendors such as Super Duper Weenie were witnessed to disregard basic health regulations. “It’s not fair,” Resident Ian Antoine … Continue reading Food Trucks Cause COVID Outbreak; Students Report Totally Worth It