University Transfer Student Lost in America; Fairfield Staff Under Heavy Fire

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Barone Campus Center - The parents of would-be student Michael Varro continue contacting their son as Fairfield officials are in contact with the authorities of Fairfield, New York.“How could this Jesuit academy mess up a destination?” cried Mrs. Judy Varro as she continuously attempted to get into contact with her son. … Continue reading University Transfer Student Lost in America; Fairfield Staff Under Heavy Fire

Food Trucks Cause COVID Outbreak; Students Report Totally Worth It

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Staff member Loretta Palms watched as DPS officers reprimanded the owners of food trucks that have recently proven to have sold contaminated food. This scandal occurred shortly after Move-In Day, as vendors such as Super Duper Weenie were witnessed to disregard basic health regulations. “It’s not fair,” Resident Ian Antoine … Continue reading Food Trucks Cause COVID Outbreak; Students Report Totally Worth It

Stagnation Bought Out By Dunkin Donuts; Rebranded as Staggin’ Nations

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Due to an issue with budgeting, Stagnation came close to shutting down this spring — and we would have, had it not been for the generous aid of Dunkin’ Donuts. Of course, this hasn’t been without some sort of repayment. Every article from here on out will include some form of … Continue reading Stagnation Bought Out By Dunkin Donuts; Rebranded as Staggin’ Nations

March of the Penguins Vs. The Army of Turkeys; Morgan Freeman Killed in Crossfire

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium DONNARUMMA - Outside in the circle, the six-hour war amongst penguin and turkeykind was negotiated after the fall of Morgan Freeman, the god of penguinkind. As both parties parted ways, they made sure to harass anyone left on campus. At approximately 9:30 am, a waddle of penguins arrived on campus with … Continue reading March of the Penguins Vs. The Army of Turkeys; Morgan Freeman Killed in Crossfire

“Sex? That’s ridiculous,” Remarks Health Center Official; Also, Second Coming Confirmed From Pregnant Student

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium EGAN CHAPEL - Dr. Ivan Ron Butterfly of the Student Health Center swatted away numerous members of the Vatican arriving in Fairfield University after Yohelma Hewahn ‘22 was reported to have the fetus of Jesus Christ reborn. The news of this revelation came after a conference with parents over the university’s … Continue reading “Sex? That’s ridiculous,” Remarks Health Center Official; Also, Second Coming Confirmed From Pregnant Student

Cowboy Event Rustled; Rubber Band Shootout Leads to Death

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium The Quad - Fairfield University is currently under fire for the death of Tom McCaw ‘23 in a rubber band duel. Many students on the scene were disturbed by the incident, although this did not stop the medical professionals from stifling a few giggles. Originally, McCaw had engaged in a duel … Continue reading Cowboy Event Rustled; Rubber Band Shootout Leads to Death

Uplifting Concert Held in COVID Testing Site; Compromises Entire University

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium McAuliffe - The entire university is held under quarantine following a surprise concert from none other than the Chicago-based heavy metal band Demented. Surprisingly, the group gave a motivational rendition of “Down With The Sickness” renamed as “Down With The Symptoms.” It served a great deal of positivity for the mass … Continue reading Uplifting Concert Held in COVID Testing Site; Compromises Entire University

Quarantined Students Attempt Escape, Accidentally Create Found Footage Film

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Fairfield University Media Center - DPS officers garbed in masks and hazmat suits rushed to the scene at the former Dolan School of Business. There, two students had passed out on the side lawn while another was found near a back exit knocked out near the stairwell. Investigating the students on … Continue reading Quarantined Students Attempt Escape, Accidentally Create Found Footage Film

Fairfield Prep Student Discovers Terrifying Secret at Turkey Burial Ground

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium THE LEVEE - Fairfield Prep student Josiah “Joey” Joseph made a startling discovery upon walking around the back of the Levy. An undead turkey had been limping around searching for any worms, only finding maggots that had dropped off its own body. “I was only looking for the bathroom,” said Joseph, … Continue reading Fairfield Prep Student Discovers Terrifying Secret at Turkey Burial Ground

DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Today, a new DPS officer stopped a food truck robbery involving two thieves dressed as Super Duper Weenie workers. His name? Robostag. “Stags up,” was all Robostag had to say as he slowly gave the stag signal with his metallic hands.  Robostag walked into DPS, startling many except for the … Continue reading DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag