Stagnation Replaces The Mirror as University Publication; U.S Government Sues For Libel

Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - Fairfield University suffers countless lawsuits after putting its satire newspaper Stagnation as main publisher. Last week, COSO decided that in order to secure more money for clubs, The Mirror would be shut down to supply the Weaselmen Society with the needed resources for “the emergency not-gambling charity event funding.” “Hey, … Continue reading Stagnation Replaces The Mirror as University Publication; U.S Government Sues For Libel

Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag 

Freddie “Quickie” Mercuirum BARONE - Hollywood Reporter followed Fairfield University’s esteemed mascot Lucas T. Stag as famous actor Scarlett Johansson approached the mascot with a big offer. “Lucas Tiberius Stag,” Johnansson said, “I want you to play in my upcoming biopic.” Reporters hounded Stag as DPS gave him an opportunity to run out the third … Continue reading Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag 

Numerous Students Gone Missing After Pres Ball; Authorities Brush Off as Students Partying Hard

Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BELLARMINE - Sunday morning, authorities are on the lookout for several missing students following the Presidential Ball. Despite the enormous turnout for freshmen and higher, all attendees disappeared under unknown circumstances.  “It’s just the way these college kids roll,” DPS Officer Jim Jambo stated Saturday, “First, they get absolutely black-out drunk. Then, … Continue reading Numerous Students Gone Missing After Pres Ball; Authorities Brush Off as Students Partying Hard

FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore

by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium  BARONE - Numerous student organizations are furious following the leaks on The Mirror by an anonymous source. The most eye-catching detail? A group-photo of the FUSA Senate having lunch with Former Vice President Al Gore with traces of cocaine on their nostrils. “It’s outrageous,” Fabian Glutte ‘23, President of the Satirical … Continue reading FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore

Stagnation Battle For Role of Editor-in-Chief; Winner Declared Within Remains of Alumni Hall

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium FORMERLY ALUMNI HALL - The winner of Stagnation declared herself amongst the rubble of the demolished Alumni Hall, clutching the former Editor-in-Chief as she gave a victory screech. “Yeah, anyway, I’m head of Stagnation now,” Claire E. T. Nunn ‘24 reported calmly, “I guess it’s cool.” During the demolition of Alumni … Continue reading Stagnation Battle For Role of Editor-in-Chief; Winner Declared Within Remains of Alumni Hall

StagsTV Announces New Kids Program; Plans Quickly Cancelled

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium MEDIA CENTER - Reagen Ruskie ‘23 has canceled all plans for the StagsTV Kids block following backlashes against the new direction taken by the show. “We did segments about how cool our dorms looked,” complained Bianca Steppenoutte ‘19, “And now we’re just doing some weird Wiggles crap? Trash.” Potential programs such … Continue reading StagsTV Announces New Kids Program; Plans Quickly Cancelled

Philosophy and English Combined Under New Pataphysics Course

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium After much confusion and discord between Philosophy and English faculty, both departments now have a new course that covers common ground: pataphysics. “I have to admit, I was just joking around when I suggested that,” said Professor Lazlo Gorman, a guest professor from Sacred Heart University, “I didn’t think you stag-smartasses … Continue reading Philosophy and English Combined Under New Pataphysics Course

Disney Announces New “Star Wars” Trilogy Directed by Tim Burton

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium This week, Disney announced that director Tim Burton will be directing a remake of the original Star Wars trilogy. While fans remain rabid over this decision, many longtime Tim Burton fans are requesting numerous changes to better fit the roles such as Danny DeVito playing Darth Vader and Winona Ryder as … Continue reading Disney Announces New “Star Wars” Trilogy Directed by Tim Burton

Stags TV show “Lucas ‘N Me” Cancelled Following Chick-fil-A Scandal

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium MEDIA CENTER - Writers of the now-defunct “Lucas ‘N Me” project protest outside the Levee following an outrageous scandal that led to its cancellation. The scandal in question refers to pictures of Lucas the Stag involved with Chick-fil-A employee Justin Tymme with documents of unknown nature sprawled across a table at … Continue reading Stags TV show “Lucas ‘N Me” Cancelled Following Chick-fil-A Scandal

Jim Carrey Joins Marvel Cinematic Universe; Set to replace multiple characters as “Marvel Carrey Universe”

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Famed actor Jim Carrey was confirmed to be part of Marvel’s Phase Four initiative for its cinematic universe. Screenwriter Obladi Oblada talked in an exclusive interview with Stagnation concerning this action with staff writer Frederick Mercurium. The interview was held on Janurary 15th, the premiere of the new Disney+ show, Wandavision. … Continue reading Jim Carrey Joins Marvel Cinematic Universe; Set to replace multiple characters as “Marvel Carrey Universe”