by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - Numerous student organizations are furious following the leaks on The Mirror by an anonymous source. The most eye-catching detail? A group-photo of the FUSA Senate having lunch with Former Vice President Al Gore with traces of cocaine on their nostrils. “It’s outrageous,” Fabian Glutte ‘23, President of the Satirical … Continue reading FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore
Tag: satire
Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House
By Nathan Schmidt Scandal embroiled Fairfield University this week when a pagan cult was discovered operating out of Dolan House. The venerable building, traditionally the home of the Murphy Center for Ignatian Spirituality, was found to be the operating site of a cabal of students and faculty performing bloody animal sacrifice and mystical polytheistic worship. … Continue reading Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House
Faculty Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Jesuit Institutions Didn’t Have Snow Days
By Nathan Schmidt This week, Fairfield professor Wilson Schumacher spoke out about an earlier, better era when Jesuit institutions were held to a higher work ethic. The lengthy tirade took place shortly after the recent cancellation of classes on March 4th due to snowfall throughout the night before. Schumacher, who is a full professor in … Continue reading Faculty Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Jesuit Institutions Didn’t Have Snow Days
Donnarumma Ranked Most Prison-Like Building on Campus
By Nathan Schmidt In this year’s annual survey by the Office of Residence Life, students selected Donnarumma Hall as the most prison-like of all the buildings on campus. The vote came in an overwhelming landslide, with 92 percent of participating students singling out the building for its patently oppressive and generally unpleasant design. “I’m simultaneously … Continue reading Donnarumma Ranked Most Prison-Like Building on Campus
BRO Facebook Group Needs to Get it Together
By EEC I don’t know about you, but I am sick and tired of seeing pictures of cars in the Class of 2019 BRO Facebook page. If these pictures won’t stop, then at least let’s add some variety. To that end, here is a list of suggestions of pictures to post to liven up the … Continue reading BRO Facebook Group Needs to Get it Together
Shelled Eggs, Chaos on the Menu at the Tully
By EEC Thomas, class of 2021, woke up feeling groggy before his 9:30 a.m. class on Monday morning, but when he arrived at the Tully Dining Hall for a quick bite, his eyes lit up and he knew it was going to be a great day. Why? Because at the “do-it-yourself” station, there were eggs. … Continue reading Shelled Eggs, Chaos on the Menu at the Tully
That Guy is Still in the Library
By Nathan Schmidt Students returning to Fairfield University for the spring semester were shocked to find that the mysterious guy from the end of last semester is still in the library. The middle-aged man, who has not spoken to anyone else in the library and seems oblivious to the existence of all other human beings, … Continue reading That Guy is Still in the Library
New Shipment of Lazy Students Arrives Just In Time to Crowd the Entire Library During Finals
By Villenueve With the onset of finals, the biannual stampede of students to the library is happening once again. While the library is all but empty for most of the semester until the middle of finals, there will be about 8 square inches of free surface area total on the library floor, due to the … Continue reading New Shipment of Lazy Students Arrives Just In Time to Crowd the Entire Library During Finals
Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages
By Nathan Schmidt An unidentified man has been sighted in Fairfield University’s DiMenna-Nyselius Library every day for at least one week straight. Students have reacted with a mix of consternation and bewilderment, since the man doesn’t seem to do anything, and since he’s there all the time without exception. The nameless visitor has been likened … Continue reading Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages
Stag Spirit Shop Begins Selling Vodka Blankets Alongside Real Blankets
By Nathan Schmidt This month, the Stag Spirit Shop will begin helping students with life on campus by selling vodka blankets along with the regular cloth blankets. As fall turns to winter and the temperature drops outside, the one-stop shop for many resident students always becomes a prime resource for items related to the cold. … Continue reading Stag Spirit Shop Begins Selling Vodka Blankets Alongside Real Blankets
