By Nathan Schmidt Tragedy and scandal struck Fairfield University this week when its beloved mascot, Lucas the Stag, was excommunicated by the Vatican. The Jesuit university, which has long-held close ties to the Roman Catholic Church, has held Lucas as a lovable ideal of sportsmanship and loyalty, but an investigation by the Church revealed that … Continue reading Lucas the Stag Excommunicated
Tag: satire
Peer-Reviewed Studies Show Putin’s Smirk is Growing Wider Over Time
By Diogenes Recent scientific studies have demonstrated what seems to be the early development of a startling trend. Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, well-known for demonstrating a smug grin while formulating mischievous plans for global wrongdoing, perhaps has been becoming more devious and sly over time. Deeply concerning empirical studies on the width of … Continue reading Peer-Reviewed Studies Show Putin’s Smirk is Growing Wider Over Time
Campus Ministry Announces New Service Trip to Hunt and Kill the Antichrist
By Nathan Schmidt This week, Campus Ministry announced the creation of a new international service immersion trip designed to give Fairfield students the opportunity to hunt down and kill the Antichrist. The seven-day program, which will take students through key suspect locations in Rome and the Holy Land, will combine elements from Jesuit service learning, … Continue reading Campus Ministry Announces New Service Trip to Hunt and Kill the Antichrist
Crime Feat: Week of 10/8
Friday, 10/12 7:09 p.m.—A student was denied entry to Red Sea Madness due to being overly excited about the pep rally. 11:07 p.m.—Students walking to the townhouses were crossing the street on McInnes Road when a black SUV turned out of the BCC parking lot. One student screamed 'pay my tuition' and rammed themselves into … Continue reading Crime Feat: Week of 10/8
Female “Chemistry Student” Burned as Witch
By Trevor MacDonnell Fairfield is a proud Jesuit campus and always has been. Our Christian values is what drives the heart and core of this school. We have our buildings named after saints, multiple masses held throughout the day, and even feasts on holy days. Dating back all the way to the 1400’s to the Puritans … Continue reading Female “Chemistry Student” Burned as Witch
Naive Commuting Student Horrified by Stories of Residence Hall Life
By Nathan Schmidt A naive, wide-eyed commuting student was utterly horrified this week after hearing about the realities faced by those living in the residence halls. Sean Wimbledon ‘22, a freshman whose deepest taste of Fairfield University is the required events on campus for First Year Experience, listened in a mix of wondering awe and … Continue reading Naive Commuting Student Horrified by Stories of Residence Hall Life
Brave Student Makes the Arduous Journey to McAuliffe Hall Twice a Week
By Katherine Klima FAIRFIELD, CT– Bravery and sheer stupidity are two things Fairfield University freshman, Joe King, is not unfamiliar with. “I’ve been stirring up trouble for as long as I could remember,” said King in an exclusive interview. “I think that’s why I was so interested in the challenge.” King is one of few … Continue reading Brave Student Makes the Arduous Journey to McAuliffe Hall Twice a Week
Crime Feat: Week of 10/1
Monday, 10/1 10:35 p.m.—DPS officers found a student had converted a papaya into a smoking device in Regis Hall. The student was referred to student conduct after a DPS officer asked how he did it and if it mattered what fruit he used. Thursday, 10/4 7:29 p.m.—A Fairfield Prep student went in LLBCC room 202 … Continue reading Crime Feat: Week of 10/1
Kavanaugh Fails Title IX Training
By Nathan Schmidt This week, an independent investigation revealed that Brett Kavanaugh received a failing score on his mandatory Title IX training. The training procedure, designed principally to increase awareness of the nature of sexual harassment and assault, turned out to entirely befuddle the Yale graduate and current judge, who had never heard of these … Continue reading Kavanaugh Fails Title IX Training
FUSA Cancelling Campus Activities Budget in Favor of Monorail
By Trevor MacDonnell FUSA has taken to making budget cuts in lieu of excessive spending last semester. With programs running rampant with expenses, it seems on-campus activities will be the main victim of these cuts. An anonymous source in FUSA has stated that Pres Ball may be one of the larger events that is cut … Continue reading FUSA Cancelling Campus Activities Budget in Favor of Monorail
