By Villenueve With the onset of finals, the biannual stampede of students to the library is happening once again. While the library is all but empty for most of the semester until the middle of finals, there will be about 8 square inches of free surface area total on the library floor, due to the … Continue reading New Shipment of Lazy Students Arrives Just In Time to Crowd the Entire Library During Finals
Tag: satire
Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages
By Nathan Schmidt An unidentified man has been sighted in Fairfield University’s DiMenna-Nyselius Library every day for at least one week straight. Students have reacted with a mix of consternation and bewilderment, since the man doesn’t seem to do anything, and since he’s there all the time without exception. The nameless visitor has been likened … Continue reading Mysterious Man Has Been in Library for Ages
Stag Spirit Shop Begins Selling Vodka Blankets Alongside Real Blankets
By Nathan Schmidt This month, the Stag Spirit Shop will begin helping students with life on campus by selling vodka blankets along with the regular cloth blankets. As fall turns to winter and the temperature drops outside, the one-stop shop for many resident students always becomes a prime resource for items related to the cold. … Continue reading Stag Spirit Shop Begins Selling Vodka Blankets Alongside Real Blankets
Freshman Makes It Known He’s Working Out by Grunting Loudly
By Nathan Schmidt A freshman student has perfected the art of grunting loudly during weight training to let everyone know he’s working out. Brett Igmalio ‘22, who is studying in the School of Business and proudly wears a bright yellow power tie with his tailored blazer at social functions, makes it vocally clear to all … Continue reading Freshman Makes It Known He’s Working Out by Grunting Loudly
Business Major Cleverly Minors in Finance
By Nathan Schmidt Faculty members at Fairfield University were left scratching their heads in wonder as a business major made the never-before-seen decision to minor in finance. Theodore Tayne ‘21, who is currently pursuing his sophomore year of education in the School of Business, has diversified his academic résumé with an unexpected, finance-based twist that … Continue reading Business Major Cleverly Minors in Finance
Investigation Finds Tuition Goes Entirely to Lawn Maintenance
By Nathan Schmidt In a scandalous turn of events, an investigative report discovered that Fairfield University’s entire revenue from tuition during the 2017-18 academic year has been directed towards lawn care on campus. The reporter, who asked to remain anonymous but may be a particularly bored member of the Stagnation team, found the quietly unreleased … Continue reading Investigation Finds Tuition Goes Entirely to Lawn Maintenance
FU Opens Doors to Turkeys in Effort to Diversify Campus
By Andrew Schmidt Fairfield University is now accepting turkeys as students in an effort to increase campus diversity. President Nemec's office released an official statement this morning, stating, "Turkeys have long been an important part of our campus family. It is time for them to become students as well." The widespread consensus on this is confusion, … Continue reading FU Opens Doors to Turkeys in Effort to Diversify Campus
Insane Daredevil Climbs Over Railing Between Bannow and BCC
By Nathan Schmidt Yesterday, a Fairfield University student brazenly defied all common sense and self-preservation by scaling the waist-high railing between the Bannow Science Center and the Barone Campus Center. The railing, which was installed presumably to protect passersby from being hit by trucks entering and leaving the BCC’s loading bay nearby, has long served … Continue reading Insane Daredevil Climbs Over Railing Between Bannow and BCC
Entire History Department Discovered to Have Turned into Statues
By Nathan Schmidt In an alarming turn of events, Fairfield University students have discovered that the entire faculty of the history department has spontaneously transformed from living beings into inanimate stone statues. Analysis by university officials concludes that the petrification occurred approximately two weeks ago, but nobody was able to notice a shift in behavior … Continue reading Entire History Department Discovered to Have Turned into Statues
Cocaine Dealer Takes Stag Bucks
By Paul Bova There have been rumors of a dealer that only comes out during a full moon from the thicket across from Bannow that supplies the cleanest coke on this side of the Sound (I’ve got a friend on Long Island). But the dealer from the den now has a special offer just for … Continue reading Cocaine Dealer Takes Stag Bucks
