By Rosemary Harper A rare outage from the popular music streaming platform Spotify caused introverts and gym bros alike to live their worst nightmare- a little over an hour of a musicless existence. At around 1:10pm EST on Tuesday March 8th, when thousands of users were logged out of their accounts, Fairfield U students began … Continue reading Spotify Outage Causes Chaos and Panic on Campus
Tag: satire
Fairfield University Announces New State of The Art Binge Watching Course
By Rosemary Harper Fairfield University has announced a brand new state of the art binge watching course in keeping with the University’s promise to create current, useful classes for the next generation. Curricula will include: distinguishing productive watching from aproductive watching, identifying whether to watch a programme or film for societal acceptance or for your … Continue reading Fairfield University Announces New State of The Art Binge Watching Course
Stagnation Cancelled?! Competitive Conspiracies Afoot?
by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - After the latest COSO Academy, it was declared that Stagnation would be indefinitely suspended until Fairfield University shuts down. “Look, I’ll be real with you,” President Tammi Borami ‘24 of the Old Yellers Club, “When we saw those bigwigs on those ‘Stagnation’ guys, I knew that they really screwed … Continue reading Stagnation Cancelled?! Competitive Conspiracies Afoot?
End of Restriction Celebration Extravaganza Announced
By Rosemary Harper Fairfield University has announced plans to celebrate covid restrictions being lifted on February 28th. The first ever “end of restriction celebration extravaganza” will take place on March 1st in the BCC Oak room. A total of around 5000 students will be expected, as all class years have been notified, and will be … Continue reading End of Restriction Celebration Extravaganza Announced
FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore
by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - Numerous student organizations are furious following the leaks on The Mirror by an anonymous source. The most eye-catching detail? A group-photo of the FUSA Senate having lunch with Former Vice President Al Gore with traces of cocaine on their nostrils. “It’s outrageous,” Fabian Glutte ‘23, President of the Satirical … Continue reading FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore
Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House
By Nathan Schmidt Scandal embroiled Fairfield University this week when a pagan cult was discovered operating out of Dolan House. The venerable building, traditionally the home of the Murphy Center for Ignatian Spirituality, was found to be the operating site of a cabal of students and faculty performing bloody animal sacrifice and mystical polytheistic worship. … Continue reading Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House
Faculty Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Jesuit Institutions Didn’t Have Snow Days
By Nathan Schmidt This week, Fairfield professor Wilson Schumacher spoke out about an earlier, better era when Jesuit institutions were held to a higher work ethic. The lengthy tirade took place shortly after the recent cancellation of classes on March 4th due to snowfall throughout the night before. Schumacher, who is a full professor in … Continue reading Faculty Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Jesuit Institutions Didn’t Have Snow Days
Donnarumma Ranked Most Prison-Like Building on Campus
By Nathan Schmidt In this year’s annual survey by the Office of Residence Life, students selected Donnarumma Hall as the most prison-like of all the buildings on campus. The vote came in an overwhelming landslide, with 92 percent of participating students singling out the building for its patently oppressive and generally unpleasant design. “I’m simultaneously … Continue reading Donnarumma Ranked Most Prison-Like Building on Campus
BRO Facebook Group Needs to Get it Together
By EEC I don’t know about you, but I am sick and tired of seeing pictures of cars in the Class of 2019 BRO Facebook page. If these pictures won’t stop, then at least let’s add some variety. To that end, here is a list of suggestions of pictures to post to liven up the … Continue reading BRO Facebook Group Needs to Get it Together
Shelled Eggs, Chaos on the Menu at the Tully
By EEC Thomas, class of 2021, woke up feeling groggy before his 9:30 a.m. class on Monday morning, but when he arrived at the Tully Dining Hall for a quick bite, his eyes lit up and he knew it was going to be a great day. Why? Because at the “do-it-yourself” station, there were eggs. … Continue reading Shelled Eggs, Chaos on the Menu at the Tully
Stagnation 