By Marvin Irwin This is what we in the biz call a good news bad news situation. Good news, the university has acquired COVID-19 vaccines for all students. Bad news, the university was responsible for handling the vaccines. This past weekend, Fairfield University successfully acquired a shipment of Russia’s Sputnik V COVID-19 vaccines. University officials, … Continue reading University’s Vaccine Rollout Takes Disastrous Turn
Month: February 2021
Due to Snow, Basketball Practice Held Over Zoom
By Nathan Schmidt This week, the heavy snowfall in Fairfield resulted in numerous in-person events moving onto Zoom — including the Fairfield Stags’ basketball practice. Each member of the basketball team was required to spend the entire practice session online with their video and audio turned on, practicing dribbling, passes and free throws inside their own … Continue reading Due to Snow, Basketball Practice Held Over Zoom
“Stop saying stonks!” Economics Professor Quits In Midst Of GameStop Drama
By Mike Wishart To quote another another source of misguided plunges into the stock market, “I don’t care if you’re Warren Buffett or if you’re Jimmy Buffett,” nobody can defeat the memes. This is the harsh lesson that traditional Wall Street investors and hedge fund managers learned this past month with the GameStop short squeeze. … Continue reading “Stop saying stonks!” Economics Professor Quits In Midst Of GameStop Drama
COSO loses thousands after bad Super Bowl Bet; General Fee hike expected
By Pete Peterson If only Elon Musk was the President of COSO. Over the weekend, as millions mourned yet another Tom Brady Super Bowl win, COSO was doing what it does best: be terrible with money. The Federal Reserve of Fairfield University Clubs placed a hefty bet on the Super Bowl, wagering the budgets of … Continue reading COSO loses thousands after bad Super Bowl Bet; General Fee hike expected
Tales From Isolation: A Portrait of a Young Man On the Edge
By Mike Wishart The following transcript comes from the journal of Fairfield University student Michael Wishart, as recovered by Fairfield University’s Department of Public Safety. WARNING: The following content may be disturbing to some readers. Friday, January 29th, 2021 Today my townhouse seems a lot bigger than it usually is, and my bed feels just … Continue reading Tales From Isolation: A Portrait of a Young Man On the Edge
New Job Opening: Driving the COVID Cart
By Rosemary Harper Fairfield University's Department of Public Safety has recently posted a job opening for students to drive the cart that shuttles students to and from the old Dolan School of Business, where those with positive cases are quarantined for a 14-day period. All students are eligible to apply for this position, regardless of … Continue reading New Job Opening: Driving the COVID Cart
University Transfer Student Lost in America; Fairfield Staff Under Heavy Fire
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Barone Campus Center - The parents of would-be student Michael Varro continue contacting their son as Fairfield officials are in contact with the authorities of Fairfield, New York.“How could this Jesuit academy mess up a destination?” cried Mrs. Judy Varro as she continuously attempted to get into contact with her son. … Continue reading University Transfer Student Lost in America; Fairfield Staff Under Heavy Fire
Fairfield University Brings in Black History Month with Macklemore Q&A on Racial Justice
By Pete Peterson If there is one person who could end racism forever, it’s the white guy who won Beat Kendrick Lamar for Best Rap Album at the Grammys with “Thrift Shop”. I know that, you know that, and Fairfield knows that, which is exactly why Macklemore was paid $22,000 to have a Q&A on … Continue reading Fairfield University Brings in Black History Month with Macklemore Q&A on Racial Justice
Food Trucks Cause COVID Outbreak; Students Report Totally Worth It
By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Staff member Loretta Palms watched as DPS officers reprimanded the owners of food trucks that have recently proven to have sold contaminated food. This scandal occurred shortly after Move-In Day, as vendors such as Super Duper Weenie were witnessed to disregard basic health regulations. “It’s not fair,” Resident Ian Antoine … Continue reading Food Trucks Cause COVID Outbreak; Students Report Totally Worth It
Confused Turkeys Quarantine Themselves In Library
By Nathan Schmidt The nightmare scenario has begun. In the wake of widespread quarantine and safety measures to protect against COVID-19, some of the turkeys on campus have taken it upon themselves to shelter in place until the crisis is over. Unfortunately, the building they have chosen for their quarantine is the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, which … Continue reading Confused Turkeys Quarantine Themselves In Library
Stagnation 