By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
RecPlex- Staff member Loretta Palms watched as DPS officers reprimanded the owners of food trucks that have recently proven to have sold contaminated food. This scandal occurred shortly after Move-In Day, as vendors such as Super Duper Weenie were witnessed to disregard basic health regulations.
“It’s not fair,” Resident Ian Antoine ‘24, “How am I going to know if my food’s all messed up? They’re already loaded with grease!” Antoine proceeded to chew his Extra-Stacked Burger with double special sauce from the latest vendor Greas’m Up. The sidewalk was drenched with splotches of grease from the burst end of the burger wrapper.
“It’s outrageous! We’re putting up with irresponsible youth who can’t obviously take care of themselves!” claimed Mothers of Fairfield president Mia Hummer. As Ms. Hummer had been making claims, she had been waiting in line at Greas’m Up for about an hour. She proceeded to bother others for a position closer to the front.
“Honestly, we should probably put more restrictions on this campus,” Palms told interviewers as she took a bite of Jumbo Juicy Submarine Burger Sandwich, “That’ll do the tricks. Damn, this thing is good.”
Stagnation 