Confused Turkeys Quarantine Themselves In Library

By Nathan Schmidt

The nightmare scenario has begun. In the wake of widespread quarantine and safety measures to protect against COVID-19, some of the turkeys on campus have taken it upon themselves to shelter in place until the crisis is over. Unfortunately, the building they have chosen for their quarantine is the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, which is now overrun by angry squawking flapping birds with too many feathers.

“It’s a really good thing we don’t keep books on the ground floor anymore,” said part-time librarian Melinda Garthels, observing the avian mayhem from outside the front doors of the building. “It looks like the turkeys lasted about five minutes before the cabin fever took hold. It’s like The Shining in there now.”

University custodial staff could not be reached for comment on the consequences of the turkeys’ decision.

Students, meanwhile, have reacted largely with sympathy for their overgrown, irritable winged brethren. Tyler H. Knoll ‘22, a junior student nursing a terrible headache from too many turkey noises, joined Stagnation reporters on Zoom. “I’ve heard one or two people say in commercials that we’re living in ‘trying times,’” Knoll commented. “So I guess it’s fair for the turkeys to go completely crazy and live in the library too. It’s what we all want to do.”

At press time, several dozen turkeys in the computer lab had just succeeded in scrambling over the keyboards until they accidentally typed the works of Shakespeare.

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