FUSA Senate Passes Resolution to Recognize Summer Vacation

By Nathan Schmidt In a jubilant but confusing turn of events, this week’s FUSA senate meeting resulted in the senators passing a resolution to recognize and support Fairfield University’s summer vacation. The three-and-a-half months between spring and fall semesters each summer, which have always divided apart academic years by Fairfield tradition, now officially have the … Continue reading FUSA Senate Passes Resolution to Recognize Summer Vacation

Barracuda Attacks Radioactive Stag

By Michael Atkins This week, a flying barracuda suddenly crashed onto the court of Donnarumma Hall, unable to understand the waterless world we call “land”. As it flew into the trees and and benches, desperately seeking an exit, a stag casually approached the area. Sensing possible hostility, the barracuda went straight for its torso and … Continue reading Barracuda Attacks Radioactive Stag

Three Dead, Eighteen Injured in Deadly Three-Way Tour Group Collision

By Nathan Schmidt Tragedy struck Fairfield University on Friday afternoon when three Campus Tour groups physically ran straight into each other. The accident, which took place on the steps outside the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, began when two groups of prospective students and their parents were entangled in an attempt to leave and enter the building. A … Continue reading Three Dead, Eighteen Injured in Deadly Three-Way Tour Group Collision

FUSA Shuts Down Government

By Nathan Schmidt This week, a disastrous series of budget talks in the FUSA senate led to a complete shutdown of the student government. The shutdown came after a major partisan conflict between the Committee on Academic Support & Retention and the Committee on Diversity & Inclusion over the next budget plan. Following numerous failed … Continue reading FUSA Shuts Down Government

Fairfield University Holds Stag Racing Tournament

By Michael Atkins At 9:55 am, racers from around the campus stood at the starting line. We had June Garth and her stag Heresy from Jogues, though the multiple scrabbles made us realize she had trouble trying to write Hershey. From Campion, the fabulous Craig Buckets and his stag Swashbucketeer made an odd appearance with … Continue reading Fairfield University Holds Stag Racing Tournament

Coked Up White Boys Exposé

By Alexis Shepard Fairfield University is well known for its Dolan School of Business and all the students that get to receive a prestigious education about the tenants of a successful business. There are classes about accounting, marketing, business law and ethics, business administration, and many more. But the one skill that seems to be … Continue reading Coked Up White Boys Exposé

Local Student Achieves Nirvana After Learning He Doesn’t Have a Quiz

By Michael Atkins This week, a Chemistry major student suddenly lifted into the air and passed onto the next realm of existence. Michael Verde '21 was, according to witnesses, “absolutely losing his mind.” He had apparently started tearing his shirt off fabric by fabric as he howled in Irish gibberish. When he received a notification … Continue reading Local Student Achieves Nirvana After Learning He Doesn’t Have a Quiz

Daylight Savings Time Causes Students to Somehow Miss Class on Sunday

By Nathan Schmidt For freshman student Clarissa Gordon, it began in a flash of pain. Like so many other students at Fairfield University, she woke up on Sunday to realize not only that Daylight Savings Time had begun, but that the one-hour shift forward had caused her to miss an important morning class. “Oh, shit,” … Continue reading Daylight Savings Time Causes Students to Somehow Miss Class on Sunday

Campus Ministry Sentences Atheist Student to Being Awkwardly Shunned by Catholic Peers

By Nathan Schmidt This week, Campus Ministry delivered a punishing sentence upon a student found guilty of atheism, condemning her to be awkwardly shunned by her Catholic peers. The student, Samantha Leon ‘22, was discovered to be atheist after one of her friends asked if she ever goes to Mass, whereupon she replied by revealing … Continue reading Campus Ministry Sentences Atheist Student to Being Awkwardly Shunned by Catholic Peers

Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House

By Nathan Schmidt Scandal embroiled Fairfield University this week when a pagan cult was discovered operating out of Dolan House. The venerable building, traditionally the home of the Murphy Center for Ignatian Spirituality, was found to be the operating site of a cabal of students and faculty performing bloody animal sacrifice and mystical polytheistic worship. … Continue reading Pagan Cult Discovered in Dolan House