By Michael Atkins
At 9:55 am, racers from around the campus stood at the starting line.
We had June Garth and her stag Heresy from Jogues, though the multiple scrabbles made us realize she had trouble trying to write Hershey. From Campion, the fabulous Craig Buckets and his stag Swashbucketeer made an odd appearance with Swashbucketeer apparently looking metal compared to other contestants. Contrarily, Caesar the Great Judkins III came in on a wooden stag, whose antlers seemed to be metallic. Pitt Babe and the non-stag like Chadical came onto the scene, with what seemed to be two people inside him. Finally, Lee Ho-Tep came riding on the Abominable Snowman sporting a headband with antlers. The rest of the competition was unable to come due to an avalanche that stormed in over the weekend.
When the race started, onlookers were literally blown away by the immense speed of Swashbucketeer as Buckets attempted to hold onto his lifelong companion. Behind him, the Abominable Stagman charged as Heresy followed in pursuit. Meanwhile, Bradical struggles to lift Babe up, where it really was two dudes inside a stag costume. Judkins, however, was taking off swiftly as the stag finally drifted onto the track.
Afterward, Babe was eliminated as the two men, Jedidiah Yutah and Nigel Sammy, were rushed to an ambulance. Swashbucketeer looked as though he would easily win the competition, had it not been for the crushed can of Sprite on the road. What we do know that the Abominable Stagman practically kicked the remains of the mechanical stag high into the air as he went along his way.
All that remained were Ho-Tep and Abominable Stagman, Judkins and his wooden stag, and Garth and Heresy or whatever she called it. Ho-Tep takes the lead with Judkins hot in his trails. Meanwhile, Garth was trying to get Heresey out of the swamp. Just as the final stretch came along, Swashbucketeer came crashing down onto the Stagman’s head, giving it a concussion. It flopped behind itself as the wooden stag Judkins rode crashed. It turned out there were more people inside this stag than the other one, if you can believe it. As the 37 individuals ran away, Garth finally crossed the finish line, forcing Heresy through with a rope, and thus winning the race.
When I went to speak to the head of the Stag Racing Tournament, Hughbert Hoohah, he simply gave me a cold stare and walked away. He muttered something about better uses of his money, but it’s clear he loved the race enough to hold another one next year.