Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BELLARMINE - Sunday morning, authorities are on the lookout for several missing students following the Presidential Ball. Despite the enormous turnout for freshmen and higher, all attendees disappeared under unknown circumstances. “It’s just the way these college kids roll,” DPS Officer Jim Jambo stated Saturday, “First, they get absolutely black-out drunk. Then, … Continue reading Numerous Students Gone Missing After Pres Ball; Authorities Brush Off as Students Partying Hard
Tag: FUSA
FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore
by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - Numerous student organizations are furious following the leaks on The Mirror by an anonymous source. The most eye-catching detail? A group-photo of the FUSA Senate having lunch with Former Vice President Al Gore with traces of cocaine on their nostrils. “It’s outrageous,” Fabian Glutte ‘23, President of the Satirical … Continue reading FUSA Gone Wild; Massive Outcry After Scandalous Secret Leaks involving Al Gore
Stagnation Battle For Role of Editor-in-Chief; Winner Declared Within Remains of Alumni Hall
By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium FORMERLY ALUMNI HALL - The winner of Stagnation declared herself amongst the rubble of the demolished Alumni Hall, clutching the former Editor-in-Chief as she gave a victory screech. “Yeah, anyway, I’m head of Stagnation now,” Claire E. T. Nunn ‘24 reported calmly, “I guess it’s cool.” During the demolition of Alumni … Continue reading Stagnation Battle For Role of Editor-in-Chief; Winner Declared Within Remains of Alumni Hall
FUSA Constitution Rewritten to Ban “Un-Stag-Like” Speech
By Nathan Schmidt This week, an anonymous Stagnation reporter uncovered provisions in the new FUSA Constitution to ban what it describes as “un-Stag-like” speech. The constitutional document, which was rewritten this semester and ratified last month, bans any speech, writing or body language on campus that contradicts “Stag spirit, Jesuit values, or good ideas from … Continue reading FUSA Constitution Rewritten to Ban “Un-Stag-Like” Speech
FUSA Sustainability Initiative Plans to Remove Giant Pile of Burning Trash from Campus
By Nathan Schmidt On March 2nd, the FUSA Environmental Sustainability Meeting led to a wild success as students resolved to get rid of the giant pile of burning trash on Fairfield campus. The meeting, held over Zoom by concerned members of the student body, allowed many students to raise valid concerns about the university’s environmental … Continue reading FUSA Sustainability Initiative Plans to Remove Giant Pile of Burning Trash from Campus
COSO loses thousands after bad Super Bowl Bet; General Fee hike expected
By Pete Peterson If only Elon Musk was the President of COSO. Over the weekend, as millions mourned yet another Tom Brady Super Bowl win, COSO was doing what it does best: be terrible with money. The Federal Reserve of Fairfield University Clubs placed a hefty bet on the Super Bowl, wagering the budgets of … Continue reading COSO loses thousands after bad Super Bowl Bet; General Fee hike expected
Fairfield Students Form New ‘TSA’ Club: Turkey-Student Alliance
April Griffin A new club has made its way to Fairfield's vast array of extracurriculars: the Turkey-Student Alliance club. Founder Jimmy Gallagher says he created the club to make the turkeys feel welcomed on Fairfield's campus. "In my three years at Fairfield so far, I have not once seen anyone be nice to the turkeys," … Continue reading Fairfield Students Form New ‘TSA’ Club: Turkey-Student Alliance
First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President
By Rosemary Harper 2020 is full of unprecedented situations and circumstances- and we here at Fairfield University have just been smacked in the face with another one. As the molasses of the 2020 Presidential Election continues to take its sweet, sweet time, first year student Brett Jarrods '24 has decided to follow Donald Trump’s example … Continue reading First Year Student Declares Himself FUSA President
Fairfield University Attempts Anime Brand; Accidentally Creates Hentai
By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium A decision by the FUSA Senate called for Fairfield University to better brand itself as an inclusive university by appealing to the Anime Club. Putting an art group to the task, they were instructed to making anime pieces centered on-campus life. Unfortunately, some students in the group decided to take extra … Continue reading Fairfield University Attempts Anime Brand; Accidentally Creates Hentai
Coronacation: White House Asks For Its Covid-19 Response To Be Graded On Pass/Fail
By Nathan Schmidt Yesterday, President Donald J. Trump’s latest press briefing took a turn for the academic when he asked that his administration’s response to the Covid-19 pandemic be graded on a pass/fail basis. The news came as deaths from the virus exceeded 14,000 in the United States, and as outbreaks began growing rapidly in … Continue reading Coronacation: White House Asks For Its Covid-19 Response To Be Graded On Pass/Fail
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