SEO Expert Makes Stagnation 1st Place on All Google Searches

By Nathan Schmidt My friends, we have made it. We have struck gold. Last week, Stagnation was approached by a talented SEO expert looking for work. Although their name is Kathy, we will keep them anonymous in this article. By revamping Stagnation’s website design and fixing our metadata using legitimate techniques, we have achieved the … Continue reading SEO Expert Makes Stagnation 1st Place on All Google Searches

DPS Introduces Newest Officer: Prince Harry

By Marvin Irwin To continue to pretend to crack down on COVID-19 guideline violations on campus, the Department of Public Safety has announced that it is expanding its ranks. One particular new recruit has captured the imagination of the campus community. Among the newest additions to the DPS forces is everyone’s favorite redhead from the … Continue reading DPS Introduces Newest Officer: Prince Harry

New “TSA Pre-Check” Approach To COVID Testing Panned By Critics

By Marvin Irwin Last week, the university introduced a new method of having students line up to get their weekly COVID-19 tests. The approach is roughly modeled after the TSA Pre-check process at airports, except instead of TSA agents it’s G-Force, and instead of businessmen in Patagonia vests it’s college students in Canada Goose jackets. … Continue reading New “TSA Pre-Check” Approach To COVID Testing Panned By Critics

Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers

By Nathan Schmidt An investigative report by Stagnation over the last six months has revealed economic ruination in Fairfield University’s black market for dry-erase markers. With students moving online for some or all of their classes, the once-thriving illicit trade for the Expo brand markers has become the latest casualty of the COVID-19 pandemic. The … Continue reading Virtual Classes Collapse Black Market for Dry-Erase Markers

Top 5 Ways To Be Guaranteed A Write-In

By Nathan Schmidt If you’re preparing for the fall 2021 semester, you may have your eye on some competitive courses. But how can you be sure to get into that perfect Anthropology for Dummies course when so many other students want the same thing? The answer is to ask the professor for a write-in. Follow … Continue reading Top 5 Ways To Be Guaranteed A Write-In

Stags TV show “Lucas ‘N Me” Cancelled Following Chick-fil-A Scandal

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium MEDIA CENTER - Writers of the now-defunct “Lucas ‘N Me” project protest outside the Levee following an outrageous scandal that led to its cancellation. The scandal in question refers to pictures of Lucas the Stag involved with Chick-fil-A employee Justin Tymme with documents of unknown nature sprawled across a table at … Continue reading Stags TV show “Lucas ‘N Me” Cancelled Following Chick-fil-A Scandal

The Levee Receives 3-Star Michelin Review from Drunk First Year

By Pete Peterson Move over Nobu, there’s a new spot in town. The Levee, best known for its wildly inefficient service, sloppy public makeouts between students, and food that tastes best after more than a few beers has recently been anointed with a new title: Fairfield’s first 3-star Michelin restaurant. The announcement was made by … Continue reading The Levee Receives 3-Star Michelin Review from Drunk First Year

Jim Carrey Joins Marvel Cinematic Universe; Set to replace multiple characters as “Marvel Carrey Universe”

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium Famed actor Jim Carrey was confirmed to be part of Marvel’s Phase Four initiative for its cinematic universe. Screenwriter Obladi Oblada talked in an exclusive interview with Stagnation concerning this action with staff writer Frederick Mercurium. The interview was held on Janurary 15th, the premiere of the new Disney+ show, Wandavision. … Continue reading Jim Carrey Joins Marvel Cinematic Universe; Set to replace multiple characters as “Marvel Carrey Universe”

Things To Do While The Credits Roll For “WandaVision”

By Marvin Irwin If you are one of the roughly 6.5 million Americans that is a slave to Disney’s revolving door of Marvel Studios content and watched “WandaVision,” then you have no doubt taken notice of the absurd amount of time in each episode allocated for the credits. Of the six episodes of “WandaVision” that … Continue reading Things To Do While The Credits Roll For “WandaVision”