By Nathan Schmidt
If you’re preparing for the fall 2021 semester, you may have your eye on some competitive courses. But how can you be sure to get into that perfect Anthropology for Dummies course when so many other students want the same thing? The answer is to ask the professor for a write-in. Follow any of these tips in your email to the professor, and you’ll have that Sports Movie Studies course on your fall schedule in no time.
5. Invent something you need it for
For juniors and seniors, it can be hard to find the right space for everything in your schedule. So if there’s a course you really want but can’t find room for, just make a show of needing it for that minor in American Studies you totally wanted this whole time! This tactic also works for core courses that might be offered later, except that you’re too unmotivated to take all upper-levels in the fall.
4. Tell a professor they deserve tenure
According to Google, 75.5% of college faculty members are off the tenure track. Seize on the secret economic depression of your professors by telling them you think they should earn tenure thanks to their course. (Note: Avoid mentioning your annual tuition. They will not like how it is larger than their annual salary.)
3. Skim something the professor published
Your course of choice may be with one of the several professors at Fairfield who have authored books in their fields. Try reading Amazon reviews for the book, or if that’s too much work, find a rental movie on a similar topic and watch that instead! Your future professor will be awed by your keen interest in their area of expertise.
2. Drink a dose of Felix Felicis
The magical potion known as Felix Felicis, although vanishingly rare and difficult to acquire outside of wizarding Britain, imbues the drinker with supernatural good luck. Before you send off your email, grab a can of that lucky stuff and shotgun it like your life depends on it. You’ll be amazed at how many colors you can hear, but also at the speed with which the professor rolls out your red carpet.
1. Lurk just outside their office all day
You don’t need to worry about office hours. The principle is what matters. Pitch a tent, pour some coffee, and wait in the hallway directly outside the professor’s office day and night until they finally acknowledge your protest. If they invite you inside or call DPS, you’ve already won by forcing the issue. The course will be yours.
I hope these items are useful to all of you in planning for the fall semester! The faculty members won’t know what hit them, unless they also read Stagnation, in which case I apologize and it’s not my fault.
Stagnation 