By Rosemary Harper A rare outage from the popular music streaming platform Spotify caused introverts and gym bros alike to live their worst nightmare- a little over an hour of a musicless existence. At around 1:10pm EST on Tuesday March 8th, when thousands of users were logged out of their accounts, Fairfield U students began … Continue reading Spotify Outage Causes Chaos and Panic on Campus
Author: fairfieldstagnation
Fairfield University Announces New State of The Art Binge Watching Course
By Rosemary Harper Fairfield University has announced a brand new state of the art binge watching course in keeping with the University’s promise to create current, useful classes for the next generation. Curricula will include: distinguishing productive watching from aproductive watching, identifying whether to watch a programme or film for societal acceptance or for your … Continue reading Fairfield University Announces New State of The Art Binge Watching Course
Stagnation Cancelled?! Competitive Conspiracies Afoot?
by Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - After the latest COSO Academy, it was declared that Stagnation would be indefinitely suspended until Fairfield University shuts down. “Look, I’ll be real with you,” President Tammi Borami ‘24 of the Old Yellers Club, “When we saw those bigwigs on those ‘Stagnation’ guys, I knew that they really screwed … Continue reading Stagnation Cancelled?! Competitive Conspiracies Afoot?
End of Restriction Celebration Extravaganza Announced
By Rosemary Harper Fairfield University has announced plans to celebrate covid restrictions being lifted on February 28th. The first ever “end of restriction celebration extravaganza” will take place on March 1st in the BCC Oak room. A total of around 5000 students will be expected, as all class years have been notified, and will be … Continue reading End of Restriction Celebration Extravaganza Announced
Fairfield University Sued By Paul McCartney; Student Band Plagiarizing Entire Beatles Albums
By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium GREENS - The Fairfield student-led band “The Staggles” are under a class-action lawsuit from the McCartney estate after numerous onlookers realized their performance was ripped from the “Abbey Road” album. “They just called it ‘She Came In Through The Regis Window’, can you believe it?” Fairfield resident Paul Blarsky stated, “Absolutely … Continue reading Fairfield University Sued By Paul McCartney; Student Band Plagiarizing Entire Beatles Albums
YikYak Users Dismayed to Find Positive Comments on App; “Where’s the Bad Funnies?”
ITS - Numerous students have gathered at the ITS department after multiple reports concerning YikYak accumulating since yesterday. At the DiMenna-Nyselius Library, the main floor is more of a battleground than usual. “I’m not smiling!” screamed Yonda Twoscun ‘23, “I want to laugh at my university, not laugh with it!” Multiple students had begun banging … Continue reading YikYak Users Dismayed to Find Positive Comments on App; “Where’s the Bad Funnies?”
Alumni Family Weekend Abruptly Cuts Following Band Being Minors
Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium REGIS - Fairfield Alumni and parents are outraged at the University following the appearance of the Adults at Alumni Family Weekend. Much to everyone’s horror, the Adults turned out to be minors around the age of 12. “I like playing my guitar,” said Jimmy Shareden, “My mom bought my guitar. Do you … Continue reading Alumni Family Weekend Abruptly Cuts Following Band Being Minors
Stagnation Replaces The Mirror as University Publication; U.S Government Sues For Libel
Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - Fairfield University suffers countless lawsuits after putting its satire newspaper Stagnation as main publisher. Last week, COSO decided that in order to secure more money for clubs, The Mirror would be shut down to supply the Weaselmen Society with the needed resources for “the emergency not-gambling charity event funding.” “Hey, … Continue reading Stagnation Replaces The Mirror as University Publication; U.S Government Sues For Libel
Fairfield Introduces Hunger Games Style Events to Solve Limited Housing in Freshmen Buildings
by April Griffin Fairfield’s Class of 2025 has the highest total enrolment to date. As a result, housing options have become incredibly scarce and the university had to get creative to solve their lack of space. The university is now implementing “Hunger Games” style events in order to solve their issue. “It definitely wasn’t our … Continue reading Fairfield Introduces Hunger Games Style Events to Solve Limited Housing in Freshmen Buildings
Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag
Freddie “Quickie” Mercuirum BARONE - Hollywood Reporter followed Fairfield University’s esteemed mascot Lucas T. Stag as famous actor Scarlett Johansson approached the mascot with a big offer. “Lucas Tiberius Stag,” Johnansson said, “I want you to play in my upcoming biopic.” Reporters hounded Stag as DPS gave him an opportunity to run out the third … Continue reading Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag
Stagnation 