FU Opens Doors to Turkeys in Effort to Diversify Campus

By Andrew Schmidt  Fairfield University is now accepting turkeys as students in an effort to increase campus diversity. President Nemec's office released an official statement this morning, stating, "Turkeys have long been an important part of our campus family. It is time for them to become students as well." The widespread consensus on this is confusion, … Continue reading FU Opens Doors to Turkeys in Effort to Diversify Campus

Insane Daredevil Climbs Over Railing Between Bannow and BCC

By Nathan Schmidt Yesterday, a Fairfield University student brazenly defied all common sense and self-preservation by scaling the waist-high railing between the Bannow Science Center and the Barone Campus Center. The railing, which was installed presumably to protect passersby from being hit by trucks entering and leaving the BCC’s loading bay nearby, has long served … Continue reading Insane Daredevil Climbs Over Railing Between Bannow and BCC

Entire History Department Discovered to Have Turned into Statues

By Nathan Schmidt In an alarming turn of events, Fairfield University students have discovered that the entire faculty of the history department has spontaneously transformed from living beings into inanimate stone statues. Analysis by university officials concludes that the petrification occurred approximately two weeks ago, but nobody was able to notice a shift in behavior … Continue reading Entire History Department Discovered to Have Turned into Statues

Cocaine Dealer Takes Stag Bucks

By Paul Bova There have been rumors of a dealer that only comes out during a full moon from the thicket across from Bannow that supplies the cleanest coke on this side of the Sound (I’ve got a friend on Long Island). But the dealer from the den now has a special offer just for … Continue reading Cocaine Dealer Takes Stag Bucks

Professor Questions Life After Student Takes Notes with Phone

By Nathan Schmidt English professor Tobias Falconet was left in a dizzying existential crisis today after a student in his class began taking notes on a smartphone. Dr. Falconet, whose courses all include a strict zero-tolerance policy against the use of “I-Phones, smart phones, and all similar items” in class, entered into his lecture for … Continue reading Professor Questions Life After Student Takes Notes with Phone

Writing Center Attendance Plummets After New Advertisement Terrifies Students

By Nathan Schmidt Over the past few weeks, the university’s Writing Center has suffered a major drop in attendance due to an attempt at advertisement gone disastrously awry. Posters have been put up around campus depicting a word search autocomplete, as on a phone, with answers that describe services offered by the Writing Center. While … Continue reading Writing Center Attendance Plummets After New Advertisement Terrifies Students

FUSA Elections Hacked by Russians

By Akaky Akakievich The game was rigged from the start. There was always talk of collusion, double counting, and unauthorized poster campaigns, but here at Stagnation we are here to produce the truth that it was in fact the Russians who hacked the FUSA election. The exact reason as to why the Russians wanted to … Continue reading FUSA Elections Hacked by Russians

Church Attendance Increases Tenfold on Weekend After Midterms

By Nathan Schmidt This past weekend, attendance of church services at the Egan Chapel on Fairfield campus increased to over ten times its usual number. As with such occasions as Christmas and Easter, numerous lay people who otherwise avoid church are compelled to attend during this span of time. But in this current case, the … Continue reading Church Attendance Increases Tenfold on Weekend After Midterms

B or F? Professor’s Totally Fucked Handwriting Sparks Campus-Wide Debate

By Ellie Conklin FAIRFIELD, CT — It’s been a stressful week for junior Andrew Courtney. After hours of pretending to study, while stopping intermittently to watch the World Series highlights and to take hits out of his Snoopy-shaped bong, he completed his twelve-page midterm exam in his 300-level English class, American Internet Poetry in the … Continue reading B or F? Professor’s Totally Fucked Handwriting Sparks Campus-Wide Debate

Fairfield Needs a Lettuce Club

By Trevor MacDonnell Lettuce?  What is it good for? Absolutely everything.  You can wear it as a hat. You can use it to wipe your ass.  You can use it lure out guinea pigs. You can even, surprise, eat it.  It is my opinion, as this is an opinion piece, that lettuce is worth its … Continue reading Fairfield Needs a Lettuce Club