by April Griffin
Fairfield’s Class of 2025 has the highest total enrolment to date. As a result, housing options have become incredibly scarce and the university had to get creative to solve their lack of space. The university is now implementing “Hunger Games” style events in order to solve their issue.
“It definitely wasn’t our first choice, but it also wasn’t our last,” head of the housing crisis, Peter Grant explains. “Our last choice would’ve been a fight to the death. At least in this solution they’re just really hungry. Or something like that.”
We talked to Dale Singleton ’25, originally assigned to a converted quintuple in Loyola Hall, to get the scoop on the reality of the Games. “The Games? Yeah, they’re not so bad. Not for me at least because I Aam an absolute unit in the arena. Others aren’t as lucky as me though. I heard from some kid that heard from some kid that heard from some kid that a girl got severely pecked by a turkey in the first wave. Things aren’t…looking well for her. We think she’ll have to sleep in the tent behind the parking lot behind Canisius. They claim it’s the infirmary, but we all know that’s where the losers will have to sleep for the rest of the year.”
“It’s ridiculous. We’re on our fifth week of school and they couldn’t think of something better before we started?” said Cecilia Mosley ’25 “In the last four weeks I’ve been brutally stabbed by turkey beaks, forced to walk from DSB to McAuliffe in less than seven minutes twenty times, had to fill out the daily LiveSafe survey, and chased by prep boys. Sounds like you’re feeling OK? NO! NO I’M NOT FEELING OKAY!”
We talked to one last freshman, Tommy Savage ’25, about his experience in the Games. “I thought it was going to be fun at first. I read the Hunger Games in sixth grade and honestly I was just excited to have an opportunity to be in a real-life simulation. That sure did wear off quickly. Now I just feel like a dead man walking.”
‘Unexpected’ casualties have totalled sixty-three students. Forty-eight percent of these are attributed to the overwhelming cringe of finance majors explaining the stock market to a group of three hundred students. All things considered, upperclassmen have deemed this as an “impressively low” percentage. However, the Games have caused over two hundred thirty injuries among the freshmen class.
Next week, round six of the Games is set to commence. We will be reporting live in the arena to give you the best inside scoop.
Stay tuned to Stagnation for more updates!