Stagnation Replaces The Mirror as University Publication; U.S Government Sues For Libel

Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium

BARONE – Fairfield University suffers countless lawsuits after putting its satire newspaper Stagnation as main publisher.

Last week, COSO decided that in order to secure more money for clubs, The Mirror would be shut down to supply the Weaselmen Society with the needed resources for “the emergency not-gambling charity event funding.”

“Hey, I don’t know why that worked,” Weaselmen Society president Teresa Ferryman ‘23 stated as she sifted through a wad of cash, “All I did was grab a photo of my brother and it worked. Go crime, I guess.”

In order to make up for a lack of publication on campus, COSO instead instated Stagnation to provide campus news.

“Honestly, I don’t know why they made us the news crew,” staff writer GooGoo Guhchoo ‘24 told University officials, “We literally wrote an article about Lucas and a radioactive barracuda duking it out. Did you all really buy into our stuff?”

After a week of publishing their news, an official notice from the Office of the White House declaring that Stagnation and by connection the University were being sued for libel.

“This club is under investigation and being fined for libel concerning Al Gore and the President doing acts of ‘preverse’ nature with turkeys,” the notice began, “As of today, you are being fined for $30 million and the executive order for all turkeykind to be extinct.”

As University students cheered for the cessation of turkey-life, University officials are frantically scrambling for any way to fund the fine.

“We don’t have the money!” cried Marilyn Dancin, “We blew it all on Mackelmore, that criminal artist!”

If you or your loved ones are willing to fund the lawsuit, please contact any University staff member by yelling “I got the dough!”

I’m Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium, and I’ll be out of a job in a couple of hours. Take care!

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