Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium REGIS - Fairfield Alumni and parents are outraged at the University following the appearance of the Adults at Alumni Family Weekend. Much to everyone’s horror, the Adults turned out to be minors around the age of 12. “I like playing my guitar,” said Jimmy Shareden, “My mom bought my guitar. Do you … Continue reading Alumni Family Weekend Abruptly Cuts Following Band Being Minors
Month: October 2021
Stagnation Replaces The Mirror as University Publication; U.S Government Sues For Libel
Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium BARONE - Fairfield University suffers countless lawsuits after putting its satire newspaper Stagnation as main publisher. Last week, COSO decided that in order to secure more money for clubs, The Mirror would be shut down to supply the Weaselmen Society with the needed resources for “the emergency not-gambling charity event funding.” “Hey, … Continue reading Stagnation Replaces The Mirror as University Publication; U.S Government Sues For Libel
Fairfield Introduces Hunger Games Style Events to Solve Limited Housing in Freshmen Buildings
by April Griffin Fairfield’s Class of 2025 has the highest total enrolment to date. As a result, housing options have become incredibly scarce and the university had to get creative to solve their lack of space. The university is now implementing “Hunger Games” style events in order to solve their issue. “It definitely wasn’t our … Continue reading Fairfield Introduces Hunger Games Style Events to Solve Limited Housing in Freshmen Buildings
Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag
Freddie “Quickie” Mercuirum BARONE - Hollywood Reporter followed Fairfield University’s esteemed mascot Lucas T. Stag as famous actor Scarlett Johansson approached the mascot with a big offer. “Lucas Tiberius Stag,” Johnansson said, “I want you to play in my upcoming biopic.” Reporters hounded Stag as DPS gave him an opportunity to run out the third … Continue reading Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag
Presball DJ Revealed to be Time Traveler from 2013
by Pepper Pippins Stagnation reporters have uncovered the truth about the DJ at the 2021 Presidential Ball. Last Friday marked the first major on campus event since the start of the Covid19 pandemic. Students expected to encounter covid related limitations, however there was one thing that no one expected. All the music was at least … Continue reading Presball DJ Revealed to be Time Traveler from 2013
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