Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag 

Freddie “Quickie” Mercuirum BARONE - Hollywood Reporter followed Fairfield University’s esteemed mascot Lucas T. Stag as famous actor Scarlett Johansson approached the mascot with a big offer. “Lucas Tiberius Stag,” Johnansson said, “I want you to play in my upcoming biopic.” Reporters hounded Stag as DPS gave him an opportunity to run out the third … Continue reading Scarlett Johansson Stars In An Autobiography Picture; Wants to be Played by Lucas T. Stag 

FUSA Constitution Rewritten to Ban “Un-Stag-Like” Speech

By Nathan Schmidt This week, an anonymous Stagnation reporter uncovered provisions in the new FUSA Constitution to ban what it describes as “un-Stag-like” speech. The constitutional document, which was rewritten this semester and ratified last month, bans any speech, writing or body language on campus that contradicts “Stag spirit, Jesuit values, or good ideas from … Continue reading FUSA Constitution Rewritten to Ban “Un-Stag-Like” Speech

Stags TV show “Lucas ‘N Me” Cancelled Following Chick-fil-A Scandal

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium MEDIA CENTER - Writers of the now-defunct “Lucas ‘N Me” project protest outside the Levee following an outrageous scandal that led to its cancellation. The scandal in question refers to pictures of Lucas the Stag involved with Chick-fil-A employee Justin Tymme with documents of unknown nature sprawled across a table at … Continue reading Stags TV show “Lucas ‘N Me” Cancelled Following Chick-fil-A Scandal

Lucas The Stag Removed From Campus For Public Health

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium REC-PLEX - Lucas The Stag, Fairfield University’s famous mascot was carted away by the Fairfield Public Health Department following an email concerning a possible new COVID-19 strain or new virus altogether. On Lucas’s Twitter, he tweeted that he was “spreading it all over campus,” and that “soon everyone [would] be positive.” … Continue reading Lucas The Stag Removed From Campus For Public Health

Zombie Virus Outbreak on Campus; Students Believe Otherwise

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium GONZAGA - Dr. Eugene Trevors of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention came to the university to discuss a mutated strain of the COVID-19 virus present on campus. As he explained cautiously what to do, first year student Cody Zachary stood up and claimed otherwise.“You’re obviously lying,” claimed Zachary, “Just … Continue reading Zombie Virus Outbreak on Campus; Students Believe Otherwise

University’s Vaccine Rollout Takes Disastrous Turn

By Marvin Irwin This is what we in the biz call a good news bad news situation.  Good news, the university has acquired COVID-19 vaccines for all students.  Bad news, the university was responsible for handling the vaccines.  This past weekend, Fairfield University successfully acquired a shipment of Russia’s Sputnik V COVID-19 vaccines. University officials, … Continue reading University’s Vaccine Rollout Takes Disastrous Turn

Lucas the Stag Launches OnlyFans Account

By Marvin Irwin In the midst of the uncertainty that clouds the country today, businesses across America are struggling and universities are not immune. Colleges are struggling to drive up applicants due to the lifestyle that college students must adhere to due to the COVID-19 pandemic. For some inexplicable reason, students and their parents are … Continue reading Lucas the Stag Launches OnlyFans Account

Fairfield University Attempts Anime Brand; Accidentally Creates Hentai

By Freddie “Quickie” Mercurium A decision by the FUSA Senate called for Fairfield University to better brand itself as an inclusive university by appealing to the Anime Club. Putting an art group to the task, they were instructed to making anime pieces centered on-campus life. Unfortunately, some students in the group decided to take extra … Continue reading Fairfield University Attempts Anime Brand; Accidentally Creates Hentai

Fairfield University Cancels One-Episode Student Show

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium The newest show on the Fairfield University streaming service, "The Stag Show with Gregory Luthers," was immediately canceled after airing for 10 minutes. Luthers was brought into the Dean’s office to discuss his status as a Fairfield student as parents of freshmen students demand for his expulsion. Luthers denied any involvement … Continue reading Fairfield University Cancels One-Episode Student Show

Tuition Now Includes Human Blood

By Nathan Schmidt This spring, Fairfield University has announced a new financial initiative entitled “Red Stag,” where students are required to pay a large volume of human blood to the school as part of their tuition. The initiative, inspired by mounting deficits of spiritual suffering at the university, will allow Fairfield students to understand the … Continue reading Tuition Now Includes Human Blood