By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium
MEDIA CENTER – Writers of the now-defunct “Lucas ‘N Me” project protest outside the Levee following an outrageous scandal that led to its cancellation. The scandal in question refers to pictures of Lucas the Stag involved with Chick-fil-A employee Justin Tymme with documents of unknown nature sprawled across a table at the Levee. Due to the controversial ideas involving Chick-fil-A, Fairfield University has officially started its #CancelLucas movement.
“It isn’t fair!” declared Fairfield Alumni ‘17 Issac Deerman, “Lucas has always been a member of the Fairfield family. You can’t just get rid of him.”
“Lucas needs to go,” said Yasmine Mannas ‘23, “Like, why should Lucas stay when he’s obviously sitting with a person who embodies all evil!” Mannas promptly took a bite out of her Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich before returning to her tirade against the franchise again.
Lucas has come forth with a public statement, informing everyone that the documents in question were napkins spilled across the table. He had been trying to strike Tymme from across the table but failed miserably. He claimed that the cameras within the Levee would aid his case, but were unfortunately blocked by a walrus sticker.
Lucas continues to face hate online but remains faithful that the case will blow over.
Stagnation 