The Levee Receives 3-Star Michelin Review from Drunk First Year

By Pete Peterson

Move over Nobu, there’s a new spot in town.  The Levee, best known for its wildly inefficient service, sloppy public makeouts between students, and food that tastes best after more than a few beers has recently been anointed with a new title: Fairfield’s first 3-star Michelin restaurant.  The announcement was made by First Year student Alex O’Connor around 1:14am on Saturday night as he sank his teeth into a mozzarella stick with no cheese inside.

Mr. O’Connor, a notorious food critic also known begrudgingly as AOC, is known best for ranting to his friends about “how mid the Tully pizza is.”  With such a sophisticated palate and an immense amount of influence in the culinary world, a review from AOC can make or break a restaurant.  With a reputation that large, the chefs over at The Levee knew they had to be on their P’s and Q’s the moment he walked in.

As Alex stepped through the doors to Fairfield’s pizza Mecca for drunk kids, he had a certain swagger about him.  Everyone could sense it, and he made sure they knew as he reached into his backpack to pull out a lukewarm Natty Light.  The pizza could wait, as Alex had some other business to take care of first.  “I saw this chick that’s in my accounting class, and she’s like a total smoke,” says Alex.  “So my friends and I start dancing near her, and after some sweet moves she ends up dancing on me, and then BOOM!  We’re swapping spit in the middle of the floor.” 

After approximately three minutes, the soul mates parted ways, and to celebrate his night, Alex shotgunned another beer in the bathroom and decided to finally see what all the hype was about.  He ordered two slices of cheese pizza, and after about 15 minutes he was handed a tray of mozzarella sticks.  Never one to judge the ambiance of a restaurant before he ate, Alex accepted and shimmied his way through a sea of overly-intoxicated first years to a table.

“This is the best thing I’ve eaten in like, years!” exclaimed Mr. O’Connor.  He had just finished his mozzarella sticks, and only three out of the five had any cheese in them.  But that didn’t matter to Alex.  “Dude,” he said to his equally drunk cohort, “this has got to be like at the top of that tire place restaurant list.”  Confusing his newfound friend, Alex clarified his claim of excellence, stating “this is a 3-star marshmallow puff man from Ghostbusters restaurant!”  Eat that, France.

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