Chapel Replaces Communion Wine with Vodka and Grape Fanta

By Pete Peterson Businesses have struggled since the pandemic began last March, and not even churches could escape the crash.  Although the Catholics have mostly avoided any new child-fondling instances, the Pope was forced to make business decisions to turn the stock back in the direction of the big man upstairs (and Gamestop).  Stagnation talked … Continue reading Chapel Replaces Communion Wine with Vodka and Grape Fanta

Rep. Matt Gaetz to Head Tours for Prospective Out of State Students

By Pete Peterson The always reasonable Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida had a fantastic week: everyone found out he can get laid, he loves to travel, and he absolutely killed his Tucker Carlson interview.  With his draft stock skyrocketing, people are guessing what he’ll do next.  Some speculative options included running for President in 2024, … Continue reading Rep. Matt Gaetz to Head Tours for Prospective Out of State Students

Stagnation: BeefShake™ Edition

By Pete Peterson After a sweet pump at the gym, do you ever feel like there’s not enough time to get all of the essential nutrients in your system to maximize your gains?  Cooking food takes too long, those fancy protein shakes are too expensive, and you can only eat so many raw eggs before … Continue reading Stagnation: BeefShake™ Edition

The Levee Receives 3-Star Michelin Review from Drunk First Year

By Pete Peterson Move over Nobu, there’s a new spot in town.  The Levee, best known for its wildly inefficient service, sloppy public makeouts between students, and food that tastes best after more than a few beers has recently been anointed with a new title: Fairfield’s first 3-star Michelin restaurant.  The announcement was made by … Continue reading The Levee Receives 3-Star Michelin Review from Drunk First Year

Fairfield University Spends Vaccine Budget on New Vehicles for DPS

By Pete Peterson The town of Fairfield has always been considered a rough area.  The Gold Coast got its name from the Wild Wild West atmosphere, plagued with violence and crime.  Fairfield University is often considered the epicenter of danger, and the crime-fighters of the “Juarez of Connecticut” are finally punching back against the bad … Continue reading Fairfield University Spends Vaccine Budget on New Vehicles for DPS

COSO loses thousands after bad Super Bowl Bet; General Fee hike expected

By Pete Peterson If only Elon Musk was the President of COSO.  Over the weekend, as millions mourned yet another Tom Brady Super Bowl win, COSO was doing what it does best: be terrible with money.  The Federal Reserve of Fairfield University Clubs placed a hefty bet on the Super Bowl, wagering the budgets of … Continue reading COSO loses thousands after bad Super Bowl Bet; General Fee hike expected

Fairfield University Brings in Black History Month with Macklemore Q&A on Racial Justice

By Pete Peterson If there is one person who could end racism forever, it’s the white guy who won Beat Kendrick Lamar for Best Rap Album at the Grammys with “Thrift Shop”.  I know that, you know that, and Fairfield knows that, which is exactly why Macklemore was paid $22,000 to have a Q&A on … Continue reading Fairfield University Brings in Black History Month with Macklemore Q&A on Racial Justice

Biology Students Caught Smoking Weed Claim it was for Their “Senior Seminar”

By Pete Peterson Money and drugs have caused another conundrum at Fairfield University, only this time cheap cocaine and dead hookers were not involved.  This past weekend, two juniors were found with approximately a pound of marijuana in their townhouse.  They were caught after a RA noticed the pungent odor of some dank ass indica … Continue reading Biology Students Caught Smoking Weed Claim it was for Their “Senior Seminar”

Politics With Pete: Three Reasons Why I Could (Probably) Beat Trump in One-on-One

By Pete Peterson As the upcoming election looms over our heads, the talk of both candidates' mental and physical health has been at the forefront of many people’s minds.  After President Trump contracted the coronavirus, those talks increased exponentially.  His health obviously deteriorated from the virus, so I think it’s time I say what everyone … Continue reading Politics With Pete: Three Reasons Why I Could (Probably) Beat Trump in One-on-One

Depression Levels Spike Among Juniors Since They Can’t Ask First Years “Who Do You Know Here?” At The Townhouses

By Pete Peterson There are some moments in life that are on your mind from the earliest you can remember.  They’re like stepping stones to adulthood, all creating the path towards freedom.  These moments bring joy, pride, and a newfound sense of confidence to all who experience them.  They are the most pivotal moments of … Continue reading Depression Levels Spike Among Juniors Since They Can’t Ask First Years “Who Do You Know Here?” At The Townhouses