COSO loses thousands after bad Super Bowl Bet; General Fee hike expected

By Pete Peterson If only Elon Musk was the President of COSO.  Over the weekend, as millions mourned yet another Tom Brady Super Bowl win, COSO was doing what it does best: be terrible with money.  The Federal Reserve of Fairfield University Clubs placed a hefty bet on the Super Bowl, wagering the budgets of … Continue reading COSO loses thousands after bad Super Bowl Bet; General Fee hike expected

Fairfield University Brings in Black History Month with Macklemore Q&A on Racial Justice

By Pete Peterson If there is one person who could end racism forever, it’s the white guy who won Beat Kendrick Lamar for Best Rap Album at the Grammys with “Thrift Shop”.  I know that, you know that, and Fairfield knows that, which is exactly why Macklemore was paid $22,000 to have a Q&A on … Continue reading Fairfield University Brings in Black History Month with Macklemore Q&A on Racial Justice

Biology Students Caught Smoking Weed Claim it was for Their “Senior Seminar”

By Pete Peterson Money and drugs have caused another conundrum at Fairfield University, only this time cheap cocaine and dead hookers were not involved.  This past weekend, two juniors were found with approximately a pound of marijuana in their townhouse.  They were caught after a RA noticed the pungent odor of some dank ass indica … Continue reading Biology Students Caught Smoking Weed Claim it was for Their “Senior Seminar”

Politics With Pete: Three Reasons Why I Could (Probably) Beat Trump in One-on-One

By Pete Peterson As the upcoming election looms over our heads, the talk of both candidates' mental and physical health has been at the forefront of many people’s minds.  After President Trump contracted the coronavirus, those talks increased exponentially.  His health obviously deteriorated from the virus, so I think it’s time I say what everyone … Continue reading Politics With Pete: Three Reasons Why I Could (Probably) Beat Trump in One-on-One

Depression Levels Spike Among Juniors Since They Can’t Ask First Years “Who Do You Know Here?” At The Townhouses

By Pete Peterson There are some moments in life that are on your mind from the earliest you can remember.  They’re like stepping stones to adulthood, all creating the path towards freedom.  These moments bring joy, pride, and a newfound sense of confidence to all who experience them.  They are the most pivotal moments of … Continue reading Depression Levels Spike Among Juniors Since They Can’t Ask First Years “Who Do You Know Here?” At The Townhouses

Fairfield University Claims that it is Actually Over-Reporting COVID-19 Cases

Pete Peterson Apparently, numbers do lie.  Fairfield University has reported that 101 students on campus have tested positive for COVID-19 as of September 28th.  There have been rumors floating around campus that the University is actually underreporting the number of cases in order to save face and continue to take students money, but administrators have … Continue reading Fairfield University Claims that it is Actually Over-Reporting COVID-19 Cases

DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

By Pete Peterson “You've gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”- Dirty Harry - DPS officers After a recent outbreak of COVID-19 cases among students on Fairfield University’s campus that no one could have possibly predicted, the University has taken extreme measures to enforce the safety guidelines they put … Continue reading DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

Fairfield University Announces It Will Join the SEC for the 2020-2021 Football Season

By Pete Peterson Fairfield, CT- After a contentious debate between students, athletes, the University, and God, Fairfield University has announced that it will in fact have a football season this year.  With the MAAC canceling all sports due to the liberal Coronavirus hoax, the Stags will be heading ‘down under’ (the Mason-Dixon line) this season … Continue reading Fairfield University Announces It Will Join the SEC for the 2020-2021 Football Season

Stagnation Writer Wins Coveted Journalism Award

By Pete Peterson It has been years in the making, but it has finally happened: a Stagnation writer has won an award.  Often overlooked due to its small size, Stagnation had zero nominations for major awards before this year.  But things are looking a little bit different after writer Pete Peterson was awarded the “Alex … Continue reading Stagnation Writer Wins Coveted Journalism Award

Adult Sues Trix

By Pete Peterson “You wascally wabbit, Trix are for everyone!”  This phrase may seem odd, but it is actually the new favorite protest of America’s newest political topic.  Recently, the famed General Mills cereal Trix has come under fire for ageism as people began to fight back against what they claim is discrimination.  One man … Continue reading Adult Sues Trix