By Pete Peterson
Money and drugs have caused another conundrum at Fairfield University, only this time cheap cocaine and dead hookers were not involved. This past weekend, two juniors were found with approximately a pound of marijuana in their townhouse. They were caught after a RA noticed the pungent odor of some dank ass indica coming from their windows, which were wide open in December. When the narc, excuse me, Resident Assistant, knocked on their door, there was a loud fit of coughing, hurried whispers, and the clinking of glass followed by one student yelling “Oh shit ya hold up just a sec.”
The townhouse was searched, and DPS officers immediately found the marijuana stashed in fake soda cans with a variety of weed puns printed on the label, such as a can resembling Orange Crush that said “Orange Kush”. When questioned about the large quantity of the drug that will get you more jail time than Epstein did for being a pedophile, one of the students, Robert Molly, claimed that they were “Studying it as part of our Senior Seminar.” The other student, William Nielson, attempted to hold back laughter and added “Ya ya, we’re studying the limits of lung capacity in the human body.”
When the officers pointed out that juniors cannot be in a Senior Seminar and that the use and sale of illicit narcotics is illegal, Robert asked “Oh, so it’s ok when the CIA and Reagan do it?” After a lengthy investigation and trial that took ten minutes, the charges were dropped once the students told their parents to make another donation.