DPS Introduces Newest Officer: Prince Harry

By Marvin Irwin To continue to pretend to crack down on COVID-19 guideline violations on campus, the Department of Public Safety has announced that it is expanding its ranks. One particular new recruit has captured the imagination of the campus community.  Among the newest additions to the DPS forces is everyone’s favorite redhead from the … Continue reading DPS Introduces Newest Officer: Prince Harry

Top 5 Ways To Be Guaranteed A Write-In

By Nathan Schmidt If you’re preparing for the fall 2021 semester, you may have your eye on some competitive courses. But how can you be sure to get into that perfect Anthropology for Dummies course when so many other students want the same thing? The answer is to ask the professor for a write-in. Follow … Continue reading Top 5 Ways To Be Guaranteed A Write-In

Fairfield University Spends Vaccine Budget on New Vehicles for DPS

By Pete Peterson The town of Fairfield has always been considered a rough area.  The Gold Coast got its name from the Wild Wild West atmosphere, plagued with violence and crime.  Fairfield University is often considered the epicenter of danger, and the crime-fighters of the “Juarez of Connecticut” are finally punching back against the bad … Continue reading Fairfield University Spends Vaccine Budget on New Vehicles for DPS

Biology Students Caught Smoking Weed Claim it was for Their “Senior Seminar”

By Pete Peterson Money and drugs have caused another conundrum at Fairfield University, only this time cheap cocaine and dead hookers were not involved.  This past weekend, two juniors were found with approximately a pound of marijuana in their townhouse.  They were caught after a RA noticed the pungent odor of some dank ass indica … Continue reading Biology Students Caught Smoking Weed Claim it was for Their “Senior Seminar”

Scandal Erupts When Campus Turkeys Refuse to Wear Masks

By Nathan Schmidt This semester, turkeys have bucked the trend once again. As part of the precautions against COVID-19, all students, faculty and staff on campus have been required to forevermore wear at least one mask over their face. But while the humans of Fairfield may be consigned to hide their faces under the new … Continue reading Scandal Erupts When Campus Turkeys Refuse to Wear Masks

Fairfield Prep Student Discovers Terrifying Secret at Turkey Burial Ground

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium THE LEVEE - Fairfield Prep student Josiah “Joey” Joseph made a startling discovery upon walking around the back of the Levy. An undead turkey had been limping around searching for any worms, only finding maggots that had dropped off its own body. “I was only looking for the bathroom,” said Joseph, … Continue reading Fairfield Prep Student Discovers Terrifying Secret at Turkey Burial Ground

DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Today, a new DPS officer stopped a food truck robbery involving two thieves dressed as Super Duper Weenie workers. His name? Robostag. “Stags up,” was all Robostag had to say as he slowly gave the stag signal with his metallic hands.  Robostag walked into DPS, startling many except for the … Continue reading DPS Officer Gets Injured On the Job; Reassigned as Robostag

DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

By Pete Peterson “You've gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”- Dirty Harry - DPS officers After a recent outbreak of COVID-19 cases among students on Fairfield University’s campus that no one could have possibly predicted, the University has taken extreme measures to enforce the safety guidelines they put … Continue reading DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

Coronacation: Campus-Wide Hide and Seek Gone Too Far 

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium Fairfield University reported that the “Campus Hide & Seek” FYE Thrive Event created a problem in attendance in classes. DPS has noticed that they cannot locate any students or staff on the campus. Unfortunately, as much as the University notifies all that the event was only meant to last for a … Continue reading Coronacation: Campus-Wide Hide and Seek Gone Too Far 

Student Half Crushed by Vending Machine, Now Suffers from FADS (Flat Ass Depression Syndrome) 

By Rosemary Harper Two weeks ago, while trying to purchase a packet of Cheez-Its from the BCC vending machine, Mark Stuarting ‘21 met found himself in a tragic accident that resulted in the bottom half of his body being flattened.   While attempting to purchase his cheesy snack, much to his frustration, the packet became stuck … Continue reading Student Half Crushed by Vending Machine, Now Suffers from FADS (Flat Ass Depression Syndrome)