Coronacation: Campus-Wide Hide and Seek Gone Too Far 

By Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium

Fairfield University reported that the “Campus Hide & Seek” FYE Thrive Event created a problem in attendance in classes. DPS has noticed that they cannot locate any students or staff on the campus. Unfortunately, as much as the University notifies all that the event was only meant to last for a week, students and staff should resume activities as normally scheduled. The Deans of numerous schools have reported a plummeting blow to students’ grades. 

“I’m just doing what my main man Epstein been doing this whole time,” contacted Biology major Keith Hummer to Stagnation earlier today. Hummer continued to report that he and his friends are “in it to win it” as the event’s prize would be a lifetime supply of Corona products. One of his friends, Engineering major Judah Girle, told me that he was just gonna hide out in his house for the entire time. He was unaware that most students had already done this beforehand.

This has been Frederick “Quickie” Mercurium and I was the first one caught. So it looks like I won’t be getting any Corona for myself.

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