Students Petition to Normalize Celebrating Three-Quarter Birthdays

By April Griffin The COVID-19 quarantine has not made life easy for most. Citizens have had to deal with the loss of life's greatest moments. The toughest loss of all: birthdays. A group of students were especially affected by the inability to celebrate with their friends and families and wanted to take action. As life … Continue reading Students Petition to Normalize Celebrating Three-Quarter Birthdays

Curfew Moved to 12 Noon

By Rosemary Harper Like all other higher education institutions around the country, Fairfield U has been battling the COVID 19 pandemic. This semester, new and returning students were sensibly slapped with a wide range of COVID-safe guidelines to follow, ranging from mandatory mask wearing and social distancing to limiting the number of students allowed in … Continue reading Curfew Moved to 12 Noon

Fairfield Stag Statue Replaced by Man Statue with Antlers

By Nathan Schmidt Today, a years-long campaign of public art has finally come to fruition: Fairfield University’s iconic bronze stag statue has been replaced by a bronze statue of a man with antlers. The life-size statue, titled “The Shape of Humanity,” is in the exact same spot as the original. And already, students have grown … Continue reading Fairfield Stag Statue Replaced by Man Statue with Antlers

DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

By Pete Peterson “You've gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, punk?”- Dirty Harry - DPS officers After a recent outbreak of COVID-19 cases among students on Fairfield University’s campus that no one could have possibly predicted, the University has taken extreme measures to enforce the safety guidelines they put … Continue reading DPS Announces “Shoot on Sight” Policy for Anyone Caught Breaking Covid Guidelines

COVID-19 vs. 500 Years of Jesuit Tradition: What Will Stop Premarital Sex First?

By Marvin Irwin It is a battle as old as time. One that the Society of Jesus has struggled to finish for almost 500 years. And that conundrum is how to make these kids keep it in their pants. But before the Jesuits could deal the final death blow to the plague that is premarital … Continue reading COVID-19 vs. 500 Years of Jesuit Tradition: What Will Stop Premarital Sex First?

Weekly COVID-19 Tests Stolen by Turkeys; Results Gobbled

By Frederick "Quickie" Mercurium RecPlex- Dr. Morris Reau stood by a battered door with marks indicating some sort of avian talons. His face was a screaming image of stress, tiredness, and some feeling of vengeance.“Goddamn turkeys,” said Reau as the custodians began to clean the broken bits of glass and brick off the ground. Reau … Continue reading Weekly COVID-19 Tests Stolen by Turkeys; Results Gobbled

The Legal Defense of Fairfield’s Oldest Offender

By Nathan Schmidt [This transcript has been obtained through a combination of public record and divination magic.] Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, thank you for hearing me today. I come to you today not only as a lawyer, but as an ambassador of the human species. The facts of the case are not in … Continue reading The Legal Defense of Fairfield’s Oldest Offender

Fairfield University Announces It Will Join the SEC for the 2020-2021 Football Season

By Pete Peterson Fairfield, CT- After a contentious debate between students, athletes, the University, and God, Fairfield University has announced that it will in fact have a football season this year. With the MAAC canceling all sports due to the liberal Coronavirus hoax, the Stags will be heading ‘down under’ (the Mason-Dixon line) this season … Continue reading Fairfield University Announces It Will Join the SEC for the 2020-2021 Football Season

Fairfield’s Sodexo Webpage on Sustainability Broken Since Start of Semester

By Nathan Schmidt Since classes began more than two weeks ago, the campus website for Fairfield Dining Services has included a link to a nonexistent page on sustainability. The link is hidden in the ‘Explore’ tab, underneath ‘Dining Near Me’ and ‘My Meal Plan,’ both of which students have very little business opening this semester. … Continue reading Fairfield’s Sodexo Webpage on Sustainability Broken Since Start of Semester

Fairfield University Officer Misunderstands COVID-19 Exam for Physical; Charged With Indecent Exposure

By Frederick Mercurium RecPlex- Officer Charles E. Cheez made an alarming disturbance as he proceeded to strip down in front of a medical professional. According to Cheez, he believed that the scheduled appointment was for an on-campus physical examination. Unfortunately for the other patients who were getting their COVID-19 tests, he was in plain view … Continue reading Fairfield University Officer Misunderstands COVID-19 Exam for Physical; Charged With Indecent Exposure