Fairfield University Officer Misunderstands COVID-19 Exam for Physical; Charged With Indecent Exposure

By Frederick Mercurium

RecPlex- Officer Charles E. Cheez made an alarming disturbance as he proceeded to strip down in front of a medical professional. According to Cheez, he believed that the scheduled appointment was for an on-campus physical examination. Unfortunately for the other patients who were getting their COVID-19 tests, he was in plain view standing buck naked.

“I don’t even— Like, what— I mean—,” sputtered Kris Krumples ‘23 as she wandered out in shock of seeing the naked 47-year old officer. She proceeded to maintain her education in her dorm for the time being.

“Listen, I don’t know why everyone is so quick to jump on our asses,” reported Officer Ron MacDonnie, “I mean, we let in a few guys in over at the beach. Cheez didn’t know better. Hell, he was the guy in charge of guarding the beach!”

Cheez is stated to be temporarily suspended until he learns the difference between a physical and COVID-19 test. Medical staff is also stated to be off-campus until they fully recover from the shock of Cheez’s actions.

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